Crashing Waves...

Last Sunday, when I wrote about – Does it ever get easier? – I thought that I had officially turned the corner on our loss. While I knew I would still think about that little child, I felt like God had given me “Peace Beyond Understanding”, and I was on the up-side of that swing. 

Boy – Was I WRONG!! 

As I mentioned before, I started a new job in August that would require significantly more travel. However, my first few weeks on the job required no travel as most of my counterparts were in various parts of the country. So, I took the opportunity to work from home. While I knew that would change, I don’t think I prepared myself for this past week. Let me share. 

Sunday night, after a full day of church, soccer, meals, etc., I started to prepare for my upcoming week. And, considering I hadn’t traveled for 5 weeks, I think my thoughts were that I should jump in with both feet, into the deep end, with weights on my ankles! Here was just my travel itinerary: 

Monday: • Fly to Dallas • Overnight in Dallas 

Tuesday: • Fly to New York • Overnight in White Plains 

Wednesday: • Car from White Plains to Manhattan • Overnight in Manhattan 

Thursday • Fly home (or at least I was supposed to fly home – more on that later) 

If my travel schedule wasn’t enough, let me add the additional details… Sunday evening, as I was starting to pack for the trip, I realized that I still had some maternity clothes mixed in with my “regular” clothes. That probably isn’t too unusual as I should be 7 months pregnant, right?!? Well, I decided that it was time to put all the clothes back in the bin so that I wasn’t faced with them every time I walked into my closet. That’s a good thing, right? Not so much.

I couldn’t help but feel the finality of our decision to “not try” anymore. For the past 8 years, we had been trying to start and grow our family. Packing the maternity clothes away hit me in a way I hadn’t expected. It was like I was re-mourning the loss of our baby. And, I was trying to grapple with this new world we had chosen. 

WAVE 1: Did we make the right choice? With tears in my eyes, I finished cleaning the closet, packing away the maternity clothes, packing my suitcase for the trip, and trying to focus on all that we have. We have been very blessed!!! We get to hold three amazing kids! Why am I so sad?? I had trouble sleeping because I had an early flight Monday morning. 

So, on little sleep, I get ready, grab my suitcase, and head to the airport. Something you might remember is that, right before we found out that we lost the baby, my husband and I were on a work trip where I told several friends / colleagues that we were expecting. That was the middle of April. And, when we found out about the baby, we didn’t make a mass announcement of our loss. So, while I thought I was turning the corner, not only did the closet cleaning hurt, but now 

WAVE 2: I am faced with friends without words because they have questions. And, if you have been in that situation, you find yourself comforting your friends because they don’t know what to say, they feel bad, and you just want the conversation to STOP!! 

“No, it’s okay. Really! We are okay. I should have told you. So sorry! Really, we are good. Thanks for caring.”

I wish there was something I could say or do to stop anyone from having to go through that. Both for the person who suffered the loss, and for the person asking the question. Everyone is uncomfortable! 

Well, I got through the rest of Monday and Tuesday and boarded the flight from Dallas to NYC. Wednesday, as I prepared for our meeting, I realized that I was still very sad. And, I realized that part of my sadness was also dealing with: 

WAVE 3: My life is now going to consist of this type of travel – being away from home several days each week. And, while FaceTime & Skype help, there is nothing like kissing your kids goodnight, or snuggling them in the morning. Deep Breath… You can do this… 

So, I proceeded to get through Wednesday, which was a tough day for business reasons. The project I am working on had deliverables that just didn’t meet the mark. And, while I was not solely responsible, it is my project, so in essence, I am. Ugh! I just need to get through this day. 

As I got into the car to Manhattan on Wednesday night, it hit me. In my busy-ness, I failed to realize that I was driving into Manhattan on September 11th. How did I miss that??? 

WAVE 4: I was overcome with emotion of what that day means: all the lives that were lost, all the tragedy, all of the pain, all of…EVERYTHING… There was a definite quite in Manhattan that I am not used to. I travel to NYC quite often, and while there were still taxis honking and people talking, there seemed to be a stillness, a quiet. People were moving more slowly, being more patient,… I don’t know how to describe it. It was just a different feeling than I have ever had in the city. 

After dinner, I settled into the third hotel of the week, and found a quiet moment to focus on the positive – I get to go home and see my family tomorrow! Let me focus on that and get some good sleep. And, I did. For the first time all week, Wednesday night was a good night. So, Thursday should be a good day, right? 

Well, let’s see… Thursday was a FULL DAY! We literally had one 15-minute break – all day from 8am – 5pm. While part of that was good, it kept my mind off of being sad; the other part of it was, well, CRAZY! And, from a business perspective, it was not a good day. Long story… Let’s just end it with…Not Good. So, I get into the car and head to the airport. It’s been a long week, and all I can think about is giving my kids a kiss when I get home. They would be asleep, but I would be able to kiss them. 

WAVE 5: Due to the weather in the NYC area on Thursday evening, almost all flights out of the NYC area were cancelled. To be more specific, my flight was cancelled. And, to make matters worse, since over 70 flights were cancelled, my next option was either a direct flight at 9:15pm on Friday night (getting me home at 11pm) or a connecting flight through Memphis, getting me home at 10pm. When will this stop?!?!?!? Breathe… you can do this… And, you signed up for this… 

Ok. I booked myself on the Memphis flight, and learned of two other direct flights that may be options for the next morning. So, I needed to be back to the airport by 7am at the latest. Ok. I can do that. Now, finding a hotel. Let’s see, there were 70 flights cancelled… All of the hotels near the airport were booked, so back to the city I go… I find a room at a good rate, set a wake-up call, ensure I can get a taxi in the morning at 6am, and go to bed. 

WAVE 6: First flight option is oversold and I’m #7 on standby. Oh, did I mention that one of the morning flights were also cancelled because the flight into NYC didn’t make it due to the weather. No plane to take anyone back… Tears are rolling down my eyes… 

WAVE 7: Second flight option is oversold and I’m #3 on standby. And, the flight I am booked on (through Memphis) is taking off 15 minutes after this direct flight…IN A DIFFERENT TERMINAL!!! So, I’m running through the airport trying to see if I can get on the direct flight – and needless to say, that was also a BIG FAT NO! 

So, I am walking back to the other terminal to get on my flight connecting through Memphis, and I cannot stop the tears from flowing. What am I going to do? Our son has a soccer game Saturday morning, and team pictures, and we have family coming into town, and… 

WAVE 8: What did I sign up for? Why did I do this? I am a mom. I need to be at home, with my husband and my kids. I am going to miss EVERYTHING!!! What am I doing? How can I get home…NOW! I feel so helpless… Tears… 

When I get back to my gate, the gate agent who I had spoken to earlier (because I wanted to know exactly how close to departure could I return to not lose my seat on this flight) saw me and saw my eyes. She called me up and asked if I was going to Indy. She looked up alternate flights and found a direct flight, leaving JFK, at 2:55pm – meaning, I could be home by 6pm!!! 

LIFELINE: God knew I was at my end. I was spiraling because I was trying to do it on my own. I was praying for help and guidance, but, truthfully, I wasn’t open to receiving anything. And, just when I couldn’t take any more, God was right there. He was right there with an answer. 

I jumped in a taxi, headed to JFK, boarded the plane and landed in Indy…EARLY! 

I am still praying for additional guidance – what was I supposed to learn from last week? Here is what I know: 

• My blog & closet cleaning last weekend helped to prepare me for my conversations on Monday about losing the baby. Without those two things, I wouldn’t have been prepared to have those discussions. God did that! 

• When things get rough, I need to seek God first. Not after I have failed, but before I even try. I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. 

• And, God knows what I can handle. He made me. He knows me better than I know myself. And, He knows when I truly need His help (even if I am too stubborn or too clueless to ask). Right then – He throws a LIFELINE! 

God, I thank You so very much for Your Love and Forgiveness! Please help me to seek You first, always. And, even in the roughest of times, I know You are always there with me. I Love You!

Does it EVER get Easier??

The past few weeks, I have talked with two friends who have recently lost their pregnancies - lost their babies.  And, during each conversation, I found myself crying with them as they recounted how they found out, and what happened after that devastating news.

I found myself searching for words.  Is there anything I can say to take this hurt away?  Is there anything I can do?  I feel so helpless.  

Then, I cry even more, as I remember that pain, that loss, that grief, that...darkness.  

There is an amazing joy when you are trying to get pregnant and you learn that you have been successful.  That first "Pregnant" result where you didn't see the "Not".  What an amazing feeling.  And, that first ultrasound when you see the little peanut - words cannot describe the joy, the overwhelming feeling that you are starting a family of your own.

And then, you feel different.  Something feels wrong.  You call the doctor who tells you "it's nothing.  Don't worry."  But, you know you should worry.

Then, your fears are confirmed.  Something changed.  Something happened.  And, that family that you were creating.  Those hopes & dreams.  All of that changed.  

And, every time I talk to a woman going through this, I weep.  I pray for God to give me the words.  Somehow help me help this woman get over this pain.  Make it hurt less, make it go away faster, something.

Some women I have talked to during their infertility journeys are very angry at God.  Why them?  They almost feel like God is punishing them for some reason.  Or, how can there be a God who would not allow a great couple to get pregnant.  Doesn't God want great parents for amazing children?

I have come to the realization that - there are no words.  There is nothing I can do to take that pain away.  There is nothing I can say to stop the hurt, stop the fears, stop the tears.  

Here is all I can say:

• Your feelings are REAL and you have the RIGHT to feel HOWEVER you feel
• Your journey, your experience is uniquely yours.  And, while others have gone through something, their journeys are unique to them.  
• And, if you are angry at God, it's ok.  If anyone can handle it, He can 
• Thanks B-Girl for this line!  You are SO RIGHT!  He can totally take it!

And then, the question is almost always asked - Does this ever get any easier?

That's another tricky question because everyone experiences grief differently.  So, for me, here is what I can say.

• I never "lost" a pregnancy, that I know of, prior to us getting pregnant with our oldest.  So, I don't know what it is like to lose a baby without being able to come home and hold one.
• When we had our first, we knew why we had to wait.  He is meant to be our oldest baby.
• When we lost our 2nd, it was truly a difficult time.  I believe that it was a blessing that we had our oldest.  He made that loss a little easier to bear.
• That May, when we were supposed to have the baby - That was a tough month.  I cried a lot that month.
• But, seven months later, we found out we were expecting another baby.  So, the next May, while I still thought about that baby in Heaven, it hurt less.
• Getting pregnant with our baby girl was amazingly easy.  We never thought we would have that experience.  
• But, that was followed with the loss of another baby this past April.  So, we will see how I feel this Thanksgiving when the baby would have been born.

All that said, with every successful pregnancy, the losses seem to hurt less.  And, knowing those babies are in Heaven playing with Jesus makes it even easier.  And, I am patiently waiting for the day I get to hold them in my arms.

As I said to a friend last week...I feel like I am part of a special group, a sorority of women who have gone through similar experiences.  We usually don't talk about it unless we know someone else has gone / is going through it.  And, I pray that none of my friends ever have to join.  Because I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone!

But, when you are in this sorority, you are thankful to know that you aren't alone, that others have made it through to the other side, and there is a light that will shine again to break up the darkness.

So - does it get easier?  For me, it did.  But, it never goes away.  And, when you talk to someone going through fertility issues or experiencing the pain of a recent loss, all that pain comes back.  It comes flooding back.  While you don't fully feel their specific pain, you can empathize with them because you have felt something similar - different, but similar.

What I Believe

One of the benefits of this blog is...  I talk so much more about God and Christ to those around me.  And, while I know not everyone believes the same that I do, what I love is that we are able to have really great conversations. 

During one such conversation recently, I found myself rambling on about what I believe and why I believe it.  And I realized, I don't have a good answer.  See, as a Christian, I would love to be able to answer, in a few sentences, why I believe in Christ.  If I ramble on for 10 minutes, I will likely lose the people I am so trying to share God's Word with.

So, bare with me as I think this out through this blog.  I promise to try to come up with the few sentences by the end.  So, if you would rather skip to the end, please do so :).

What I believe:

1.  I believe that God created EVERYTHING (Genesis 1:1-31)
Even as a person of Science, I believe that God created EVERYTHING.  And, let's say that I believe in the Big Bang Theory - that a bunch of gases happened to be in the same place in the atmosphere at the same time and caused a combustion that created the planets, here's my question - who put all of those gases there??  

For some reason, it is easier to believe in Primordial Soup and Evolution than Creation.  That a little amoeba came out of the water, morphed, and became an insect, animal, person, etc.  

Let's say both seem far fetched.  So, it's up to us to make our own choice.

2.  I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, sent down to Earth to SAVE EACH of US 
John 3:16 (GNB) - For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not die but have eternal life

When you read the old testament, the way that God forgave those for their sins was for them to offer a sacrifice in repentance for their sins.  Let's take it one step further.  In Genesis 22:1-13, God asks Abraham if he is willing to sacrifice Isaac, his only son from Sarah, the one God promised to make his descendants as many as the stars in the sky (Genesis 15:5).  

I believe that - and I believe that this was foreboding of the very fact that God, would send down His Only Son, as the perfect sacrifice - to end all living sacrifices - and to allow for each person who believes in Him to have eternal life in Heaven.

3.  I believe in the Virgin Birth of Jesus

I think this is one of the toughest ones for us to really believe in.  So, you're telling me, that a woman who never "knew" a man on Earth, found out from an Angel that she was pregnant with the Son of God.  And, Joseph, who knew he didn't "know her" that way, stayed with her believing this whole story... 

I know it might sound weird, but I do believe that.  So, if I believe that there is a God that can create EVERYTHING from nothing, why would it be so hard for me to believe that he put a child in Mary's womb.  I believe that He created each of my children - the three with us and the two in Heaven.  He did that.  So, why couldn't He put Jesus in Mary's womb.  Seems pretty easy to believe now.

And, Jesus needed to be perfect.  The Only One that would EVER be perfect on Earth.

Why?

4.  I believe that there is NOTHING we can do on this Earth to "earn" our way into Heaven

John 14:6 (GNB):  Jesus answered him, "I am The Way, The Truth, and The Life; no one goes to The Father except by me."

What I mean by what I wrote is that, I can't donate enough, pray enough, do enough good works to EARN my way into Heaven.  Jesus paid that price for me.  For each and every person, individually, who believes in Him.  

That's the sticking point of being a Christian versus being of other faiths.  I believe in Christ - all the parts of Him.  How He came into this world, what He did when He was here, and where He sits now, at the right hand of the Father, waiting for the day when He will come back.

So, here's the last part...  Why do bad things happen?

5.  I believe that God is in control and there is a purpose.

Please let me explain, because that is a tough one to put into one sentence.  Here is an example:

Let's say a child has a rare disease, and the doctors cannot save the child.  That is awful.  And, that child's parents are a mess.  The entire family is a mess.  Why couldn't that baby be saved?  Where was God?

I believe that there has to be a purpose in everything.  Again, these are just my beliefs.  It helps me to make order in this world of chaos.  So, here is what I believe.

What if your child had that same disease?  And, what if that doctor who couldn't save the other child, learned something that allowed him to try something new that saved your child?  

See, I've written before that I believe that we are all here for a purpose.  I believe that before I was born, God knew me, and knew the number of days I am for this Earth - until the day He calls me home.  So, I have that number of days to learn, grow, develop, and prepare for His purpose.  And, then it will be my time to go home.  And, I have no idea when that will be, or what my purpose is.

I was reading a book that recounted a story about a man who was drowning.  There were people on the beach praying for his safety.  When he was brought to the beach and revived, some people were praising God and were sharing how God is faithful.  Someone on the beach reminded everyone - even if we weren't able to save that man, God is still always faithful.  

It's a lot to think about. And, these are just my views.  It's a way for me to somewhat "justify" what I deem to be unjustifiable.  Who am I to justify anyway???  That being said, it is my way to say - "Ok, God.  I know you are at work here.  And, while I do not see the purpose in this, I know You have one. So, I will remain faithful."

IN SUMMARY (For those of you who skipped to the end - this is it):

I believe that God created EVERYTHING.  

I believe that God sent His Only Son to Earth to save each one of us 

I believe that if God can create EVERYTHING, including my child, He could put Jesus in Mary's womb - just like He put my children in mine.

I believe that I cannot "earn" my way into Heaven - that is what Jesus did for me

And, while bad things happen, I do believe God has a purpose.  And, something beautiful will come out of that bad - we just need to keep our eyes open to see it.

And, let's say I was still questioning what I believed.  Here are my thoughts.  I would much rather go through life believing in God & Jesus and find out on my deathbed that I was wrong than the opposite.