9/29 & 9/30 Morning

Good Morning!  The last day plus has been quite busy - here are some updates. 

Yesterday was my last day of work for ~4 weeks. So, as you can imagine, there were many loose ends to tie up. Seriously, I have been prepping for the past few weeks - not sure why yesterday was so much. Just so very thankful for my amazing team leader and team!  They are truly awesome and I know all the work these next few weeks is in great hands!

We are also blessed to have great family & friends!  Everyone was willing to come down to help us & the kids. My parents and one sister are here now - and those who aren't here are praying, sending notes, food & lots of love. Please know - I truly feel your love, prayers & support. 

As for my personal preparation, since this will be done with the DaVinci robot, I needed to prep like I was having a colonoscopy. I was on a liquid diet yesterday and at 4pm, I started drinking this:

Yes, that is 4000ml of pure grossness. So, you can imagine the next several hours :(. 

Sleeping last night was rough. Not sure if I slept 3 hours. So very blessed for the numbers of messages, posts & prayers. I was reading each one before bed and found more when I woke up. Please know how much each & every one means!  

It is just before 5am. We are on our way to the hospital now. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30am ET this morning. And, surprisingly, with very little sleep - I am feeling ready. God's got this! 

I'll post more later today. Just please know how much I Love all of you and feel prepared to take on the next steps in this journey!  

Father -

Thank you for your many blessings. As always, I am in Your Hands. I pray for cure today. Please give the doctor Yoir Hands, Your Heart, and Your Knowledge. Please help her find all she is to find so that this will be a short journey of sickness and a long journey of sharing Your message!

I Love You!  ❤️

Amen🙏

Please DON'T Join My Clubs

So many of us have spent way too much time trying to find ways to get into groups, clubs, organizations, schools.  I can think back to wanting to be in certain clubs in high school, wanted to be accepted to my first choice of colleges, wanting my sorority to pick me, etc.

When I think back on all of this, I see that some groups had more "criteria" than others.  Some were more selective - and some were just thankful someone wanted to join.  That said, once you were in, there was a bond that connected you.  There was a similar experience, drive, passion - something that connected you to the others in the group.  And, that made you feel part of something.

So, here are three groups I have been a part of that I pray others do not join:
 - Infertility
 - Loss of Pregnancy
 - And, now Cancer

And - I sincerely pray that no one reading this is part of all three!

There is something interesting about these three groups - there is a difference in duration and / or severity.  And, with that also comes some judgment.  It may not be purposeful.  It shows itself in various statements like these:
 - How long have you been trying?  Oh, I know others who have tried longer…
 - How far along were you?  Well, at least you weren't too far along…
 - What stage is it?  You are so lucky!  I know another person who caught it much later…

Now, if you have said those (or similar) comments to me or to others, please know - we get it that you mean it all for good.  We know that you are trying to help, trying to find the positive in what seems to be a terrible situation.  We know it all comes from a good place.  And, please know we always have and always will love you.

When faced with difficult news, there aren't good answers.  There are truly no words that can change the situation and make it not happen.  No matter how many hugs, tears, screams, etc - the facts are still the facts.  And, the facts…well, they truly SUCK!

So, why am I choosing to write this blog?  Well, I received a message from a friend in my "cancer club" who joined long before me and is somewhat my "mentor" in this group.  She has taken me under her wing, and has shown me how to be graceful in the depths of this terrible condition.  She has had a few diagnoses and has beat each one.  She just got home from another surgery to hopefully (and prayerfully) cure this round - AND MAKE IT THE LAST ONE (TA - I am praying BOLDLY for that!).

What she shared was from a post on roadkillgoldfish.com.  The title of this message is "What your friends with cancer want you to know (but are afraid to say)."  When I read it, there were several key points that rang true to me.  I will add those (with my comments) below.  That said, if you have a friend / family member with this disease, please read this - it is truly well-written and is so very true!  Here goes:

1.  Don't wait on me to call you if I need anything.
Please know - I have no idea what I need until I need it.  And, when it is last minute, I don't want to call  - especially because it is last minute.  Don't worry about asking too much.  And, if I say I don't need it now - please ask again.  I know that letting others help is a blessing to them and to us.  

2.  Let me experience real emotions.
Some days, I will be strong - talking about this diagnosis like it has nothing on me!  Other days, I will be weak, wondering if the cough I have developed means that it has moved into my chest or the pain in my head is a brain tumor.  Know this, I am scared.  I will worry until I get the pathology back and know what the next steps are.  And, after that, I will still worry about where it might show up next.  I need to go through all of this, and I need to know that you are with me through each step - each crazy, insane, not-even-possible & I-am-out-of-my-mind emotion.  

3.  Ask me "what's up" rather than "how do you feel."
While this may be different than others with cancer, I physically feel fine.  I'm a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, but that hasn't hit me physically.  And, I would much rather talk about my husband, kids, family, friends, work, volunteer work, etc. than this - most of the time.  Then, other times, I just want someone to listen.  And - I am sorry that I have no idea how to help you understand the difference because I have no idea myself.

4.  Forgive me.
Enough said.

5.  Just listen.
Have you ever wanted to share something with a friend and have them just listen - to have them hear your words and understand what you are feeling / going through?  Not to solve, not to side, not to do anything other than listen?  Please remember - there is nothing you can say to change this diagnosis. Sometimes, I will need a laugh - others, I will need to cry.  Either way, just being there with me lets me know you care.  And - I know you would take this away if you had the chance.  (and, please know - if the tables were turned, I would pray for the same for you!)

6 & 7. - skipping these - you really should read the actual article!

8.  My family needs friends.
This is so very true!  My husband needs to focus on things other than my diagnosis.  My kids need to be around other happy kids & families.  All they know is that mommy needs to have a surgery and I will not be able to pick them up for a while.  They don't need to know the specifics of this diagnosis.  But, they all need to smile, to laugh, to have fun.  So, going back to #1 - feel free to come over & hang out. 

9. I want you to reduce your cancer risk.
And this is the one that made me think of this post.  I don't want you to join this club.  That means, I truly - TRULY - want you to reduce your risk of cancer.  In the article, she writes:
 - Stop Smoking
 - Lose Extra Weight
 - Protect Your Skin from Sun Damage
 - Watch What You Eat
While doing all of those things may not prevent you from getting cancer - doing those things will increase your risk of getting cancer.  And, I pray that NONE OF YOU are faced with getting this diagnosis.

10.  Take nothing for granted.
Remember, God doesn't guarantee tomorrow.  Today is called the "present" for a reason.  Enjoy today.  Focus on the amazing small things.  We are surrounded by God's amazing gifts - cherish them.


I know this has been a long one, so I will end with a verse and a prayer.

Matthew 4:23 (GNB): 
Jesus went all over Galilee, teaching in the synagogues, preaching the Good News about the Kingdom, and healing people who had all kinds of disease and sickness.

Father,

I know You can move mountains.  I know You have healed many of much more than I am currently facing.  Please allow me to PRAY BOLDLY and pray for this to be cured, pray for no further treatments, pray for no further diagnoses.

Lord, I know You have a plan for me.  You know my future (You have already planned it).  Your plans are greater than any plans I can imagine, and this is just a step in the process.  You are building me for great things.  And, I fully accept the path.

Lord, I love You.  I thank You for Your many blessings - those I recognize and those I do not.  I know You love me and that You are with me every step of this journey.  I could not take another step without You.

Amen

Thank you All!

I wanted to take a moment to thank each and every one of you.  You have all been so very supportive with calls, e-mails, texts, cards, flowers, letters, etc.  Some have given extra-long hugs or just smiled at me when I needed it.  I cannot tell you how much each of your kind words, thoughts and prayers mean to me.  I truly feel supported and loved.

I know many of you have asked how you could help.  And, please know how much I appreciate all the willingness to help.  The hard thing is, at this time, I am not 100% sure.  Our neighbors have created a meal train for us for the first couple of weeks after my next surgery – which is overwhelmingly kind!  Thank you!

My family is coming down the day before surgery to be there with the kids and to keep the house running for a few days.  Praying that all goes well during surgery and I am able to come home the next day.  I know that my “other parents :)” (my in-laws) are planning to come down and help for a few days after that.  So very thankful for all of the help & support!

And, I am praying that all will go well, speedy healing, and I am back on my feet within 2 weeks or so.  I know I would love that, and I am sure my husband will be looking forward to just looking after 3 kids instead of 3 kids and a healing wife.  Plus, the longer I am home, the more I mess up his routine – so he will probably be hoping I am going back to work sometime soon after that.

Please know, if I can think of anything we need, we will ask.  And, please feel free to continue to ask.  Who knows…the day you ask might be the day that we really could use the help and didn’t think about asking.

When looking in the Bible for a verse that could somehow sum up how grateful I am for all of you, I read the following passage from Paul’s letter to the Philippians.

Philippians 1:3-8  (GNB):
I thank my God for you every time I think of you; and every time I pray for you all, I pray with joy because of the way in which you have helped me in the work of the gospel from the very first day until now.  And so I am sure that God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished on the Day of Christ Jesus.  You are always in my heart!  And so it is only right for me to feel as I do about you.  For you have all shared with me in this privilege that God has given me, both now that I am in prison and also while I was free to defend the gospel and establish it firmly.  God is my witness that I am telling the truth when I say that my deep feeling for you all comes from the heart of Christ Jesus himself.

I will be forever grateful for your love & support and even these words do not express the fullness of my gratitude.  And, while I know I am not in prison like Paul was when writing his letter, I do feel like I am somewhat burdened by this disease.  It is difficult to focus at times as my mind wanders toward the diagnosis and the potential next steps. My ability to keep moving on and staying pretty positive and strong is truly due only to the strength of Christ and the love of you all.  I will forever be grateful.

Lord,

Thank You!  You have blessed me with such amazing family and friends.  They continually show Your love through their kind words, prayers, thoughts & actions.  Your hand in this journey is so very clear.  When I am at my lowest, my saddest, needing to focus on every breath – You encourage one of Your angels on Earth to connect with me.  You always know what I need and it is so very clear how You have engaged others in this process to help me keep my focus on You and Your Glory!

Today, I pray that You please be with and bless each person reading this message.  You are an amazing God!  You are loving and forever faithful!  Please help each person reading this feel Your love as You have shared it with me. 

Amen!

The Quiet Moments & Today's Update

A friend asked me the other day, "How are you dealing with this so well?  You seem to be okay with all of this.  How is that possible?"

I gave that a great deal of thought because most days, I do deal with this pretty well - Praise God!  I know I am slower at getting things done and my mind goes astray more often than before.  I think it is more the emotional toll this is taking that seems to show in those physical ways.  While I say that I am really doing well, I know that this is taking a toll.

Some of the reasons why I can take this in stride are:
 - They caught this early (this isn't Stage 3+ or Terminal - they are talking cure)
 - We had already knew we could no longer have any more children
 - We have three amazing little ones at home to keep us busy & happy
 - Most of all, we have amazing family, friends & faith.  We could not do any of this alone.

That said, I don't want to come across like this has all been easy.  I have many moments of sadness.  While they happen most often in the quiet moments, I can also read something in a book and start tearing up.  I see / hear the word cancer and I start to tear up.  And, if I need to tell you for the first time, face-to-face or over the phone about my diagnosis - plan on several seconds of silence and a very shaky voice.

Once I get into the details, I can usually control my emotions - but they are there, right under the surface, ready to go at a moments notice.

So, I tried to think about what these emotions are...  Is it sadness?  Am I angry?  What is it?

And, after much thought, I still cannot come up with an answer.

There are so many things to be thankful for as stated above.  Here are some things that could have made this diagnosis worse:
 - Finding out before having kids
 - Finding out much later when the prognosis would be much worse

Here is another amazing fact that I am so thankful that God guided me to make the right decision:
 - When I first found out I had an abnormal pap, it was mid-June.  We had two vacations scheduled in July, so I asked if I could come back for the 2nd test later in July.  Had I gone back in mid-June, I would have missed out on two amazing vacations - one with my husband and one with the whole family!

And, here is another God moment:
 - On Sunday, we were taking the kids up to see my parents.  My cell phone was in my hand, but I missed a call from the oncologist.  She left a message and said we would talk today.
 - Now that I know the results of that call, I know that God was ensuring that I didn't get that call.  I needed to have a good visit with my family and not worry about the next steps.

So - here is the latest update:
 - The pathology came back with active cancer cells.  From what I understand, if they are 3mm or larger, they do the radical hysterectomy.  If smaller, they do the regular hysterectomy.
 - My cells are 2mm, so she is recommending the regular hysterectomy
 - She still feels very confident that this will be cured.

Wow!  I have so many additional questions now.  When I heard the news, I was numb.  I couldn't think of any questions.  All I heard was active cancer (no longer early - now it's active).  But now, I have lots of questions:
 - Should we discuss switching it to the radical procedure? 
 - The difference between 2mm & 3mm is only 1mm and we are waiting 5 weeks. 
 - Can they grow in that time?
 - Will they be sending the samples to pathology during the procedure to ensure they have clear margins?
 - They only checked the cervix - what about other places around the uterus?  If they are active in the cervix, can they be more active in other places?

Now, I know that she is an expert and this is her field of expertise.  And, I am a mess because I do not want to come across as questioning her judgment.  We went to her because she comes highly recommended and truly, she is amazing!  That said, I still want to know more.  And, I also believe this - regardless of whichever procedure is done, the outcome is already determine. 

That said, I am still going to get back in touch with her this week to ask those questions.  And, as the shock wears off, I know I will have many more questions to ask her. 

Here is the good news - she is still very confident we are talking cure.  I need to fill my mind with that word - CURE!

Before my prayer, I want to end with this.  Please know that yes, I am doing really good - all considering.  I am keeping my focus on God and trying to see all the ways He is helping me through this.  Helping us through this.  That said, I still have many moments.  Moments of sadness.  Moments of fear.  Worrying about more than I possibly should be worrying about.  And, I am taking those moments in stride.  I am crying when I need to, sleeping when I need to, snuggling with our babies & my husband a lot.  And, I am also trying to get these last few weeks of travel done before I go out on leave - tying up all loose ends that I can and leaving the person stepping-in in a great place to move projects forward.  And, while it may seem silly that I am so focused on work - it is that work that is helping to keep me focused and moving forward. 

Lord,

I thank You for all of the ways that You have helped to make this situation the best it possibly can be.  In "Jesus Calling" today, it says "Living in dependence on me is a glorious adventure.  Most people scurry around busily, trying to accomplish things through their own strength and ability.  Some succeed enormously; others fail miserably.  But both groups miss what life is meant to be:  living and working in collaboration with Me." 

I know this, when people say "God will not give you more than you can handle" it is only because You NEVER expect us to take this on alone.  You are always there with us - every step of the way.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (GNB): But his answer was: "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."  I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me.  I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lord - while I have many weak moments, You strengthen me.  I hope that others see You when they see me.  It is You that provides my strength.  It is You that provides my hope.  It is You that guides me through this.  I am nothing without You.  However, (Philippians 4:13), I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me. 

Thank You for Your strength!  As You know, I definitely need it!

Amen!