God's Answer...

While we were hopeful, we knew that it could be easy like the last time, or difficult like with the boys.  Plus, we were both a little older, so that added additional stress.  If I had a Geriatric Pregnancy last time, what would they call another one - Ancient / Dinosaur Pregnancy?

Either way, we were hopeful.  And, while we thought about sharing the news that we were "trying" again with family, we decided to keep this one to ourselves.  There were several reasons for this:

• We didn't want to seem greedy.  We already had three beautiful babies here with us, what more did we need.
• We were getting older, so the chances of success were less.
• We had other family members trying to conceive their first baby.
• I'm sure there were more at the time...

So, we kept this our secret.  For one month...

Well, it was only one month because we soon found out we were expecting.  How exciting!!  But, for some reason, I was wanting to be really cautious with this one.  I didn't want to tell our kids.  I was hesitant to share too broadly with friends / colleagues at work.  I just felt different about this one.  It was almost too easy.  And, we don't get too easy in our family.

But, everything seemed to be going smoothly.  And, I was getting ready to go on a work trip, so I knew that there would be questions.  So, I told a few people there on the trip that we were expecting, and with every discussion, I started to fall into the role of mom to another amazing little one.  I started to hope & believe that this little one would one day be in our arms and in our home.

I made the appointment for the confirmation ultrasound for the week after we returned from our trip.  It was Tuesday, and we would be 9 weeks pregnant on Thursday, so we were almost there.  My husband asked if he should come and bring the kids, but again, I said we should wait.  I didn't want them there yet.  We would share the news with them that night after the ultrasound.

So, I got up early Tuesday morning and drove to the office.  I was called back and got ready to see our little peanut swimming in my belly.  I was looking forward to seeing the beautiful sight of the little heart beating in the chest of this perfect little being.  And, I was imagining the look on our little ones faces when we shared we were adding to our family.

Oh yes, and did I mention that our 5 year old, for Christmas, asked for another baby brother or sister??  Yep.  He was ready.  And, I so wanted to share this with him.

And then, I hear the questions again...

Was this a normal cycle?  Are you sure on your dates?  Could you have been off a few weeks?

No!  Please God, No!  Not again.  Please, not again!

I answered the questions, looked at the screen and saw it again.  There was a sack, but no baby.  No peanut.  No heart beat.  We were in the early stages of another miscarriage.

As tears filled my eyes, I wrote the following text to my husband:

Only a sack.  No baby formed.  Talking to dr next.  Not sure what we need to do.  Have faith that this was God's plan.  We have 3 healthy amazing kids.  I love you!  Will call on way home.

I just went back and looked at the text, so those were my exact words.  And, when he got the text, as he was reading it, our two boys were running into the room yelling, "Daddy!!!" the way that they do almost every morning.  With this amazing love and light in their eyes, looking forward to the day they have ahead of them with their amazing dad.

I know I have written this verse before, but it is worth repeating:

Phillippians 4:6-7 (GNB):  Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking HIm with a thankful heart.  And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

I received that peace.  While I was sad.  And, I mean really sad.  I knew that there was a reason for this.  And, I do believe that God helped to limit the pain to those who could handle it.  I can only imagine what that would have been like to explain to our 5 1/2 year old that we now weren't going to have another baby.  I am truly thankful each and every day that God spared him, and us, from that conversation. 

Are We Done??

Something I forgot to mention when describing the delivery of our daughter was this.

Imagine laying in a hospital bed hoping that the labor pains you have been experiencing will stop soon so your little girl can have a few more days to grow before entering the world, and your OB walks in and says...

I forgot to ask.  Were you looking to also have a tubal during this surgery?

What!?!?!  Ok.  So, I know that this is probably not shocking to everyone, but I was floored that this question came across so non-chalant, so typical.  We were not in a catholic hospital, so I know those procedures happen.  And, one day, I might choose to have it done.  But, it was so matter-of-fact.  Are you ready to permantently stop your chances of pregnancy.

NO!!!!!

While I wasn't sure if we would have any more children, I knew that I wasn't ready, at that moment, to make a permanent decision. 

We had our daughter, she went into the NICU (2 out of 3 babies in NICU - I'm not liking our odds here).  Within a few weeks, you would never know that she wasn't perfectly healthy when she came out.  Same as both of her brothers - they are all amazing kids!

So, fast forward a few months.  It is May 2012, and I was having really rough cycles.  Not to get into graphic details, just know - really rough!  So, I went to the OB, and his recommendation was to go on a low-dose birth control pill to see if that would help to fix the issue. 

Birth Control Pill?  I'm not sure I want the pill.  Are there any other options that keep fertility as a monthly option? 

Not from his perspective.  Plus, the pill isn't permanent.  You can stop at any time.

Ok.  I was sold.  I left with a prescription and called my husband.  Before filling it, we discussed what we wanted to do.  We weren't trying for another baby, but we weren't really stopping it from happening.  We were leaving it up to God to make that decision.  It wasn't our decision to make. 

He was on board with me fixing my problem, but he wasn't keen on the pill.  He was still hoping to add to our family, and knew this would significantly reduce our chances.  The pills are like 99% effective at preventing pregnancy.  Not quite what we were looking for.  But, our daughter was still very young - only 5-6 months old, so he agreed that we should try it for a while.

To be clear - the pill worked.  My cycles were significantly better and I was truly relieved.  But, we still wanted to have the option to have more children.  And, not from a greedy place of - we want more - but from a blessed place of - If God wants us to add to our family, how do we say "no" to Him?

Just after Christmas, we talked about stopping the pill.  I had been on it for months, so hopefully there would be some lasting effect to keep my cycles easier to handle.  To be clear - there is no lasting effect.  Ugh!

Oh yeah, and on our daughter's first birthday, I broke my foot, so I was in a boot for several months.  Kind of hard to want to "try" with a big boot on my foot.  But, by January, it was feeling better and by February, the boot was off and I was done taking the pill.

While we weren't sure of the outcome, we were hopeful.  God had blessed us with three amazing little ones here on Earth, and another little one we will meet someday in Heaven.  If He wanted us to be done, then He was going to need to make that decision.  We were open to his answer.  And, truthfully, we were hoping that He would say Yes!

Re-Entry

We had planned on me being home for at least 14 weeks post delivery.  At the time, that was what my company offered, and I was planning on taking every day of that time.  I say that I was planning on taking it because, of course, I didn’t.

My first leave, I was given 14 weeks, and only took 12 of them.  My second leave, I took 13 weeks.  Here was my third leave, and I was planning on enjoying each of those 14 weeks with our family.  But, that is not what happened.

I have heard the statement – “On your deathbed, you will never say – I wish I spent more time at work.”  I know that in my head and in my heart.  I really, truly get that.  Here’s the challenge.  I like what I do.  I like my company, I like the people, and I like the work.  So, when I step away, I know that things get done without me.  I also know that I miss it.  I enjoy having two sides to my life – an outside of the home job and an inside of the home job.  I get to do both.  And, I do love it.

Something else to note is that, even when we love our job, during times of change, we don’t always feel as valued or as noticed.  So, we get nervous about our future when we aren’t there to be seen. That is more of what happened this time.

As previously mentioned, when I started my leave, my first line and second line leadership had changed.  I had spent years creating a reputation and a body of work with a group of people, and now, I felt like I needed to start over.  Not only that, but everyone goes through various stages of change.  And, everyone else had time to get to the “We” phase during the 11 weeks while I was on leave.  I didn’t. 

So, when I received a call that my previous second line leader had a job open and she wanted me to post for it, I jumped at the chance.  In my new world, I didn’t know if I would be respected or appreciated.  I would have to start again from square one.  What a daunting task!  But, I might not have to do that.  If I would come back to work early, I could apply for this new position and get back to part of my previous alignment.  At least my second line leader would be the same as before.  So, I took the chance and came back to work.

With very little notice, I applied for the new position, pulled together my body of work, and went out for the interview.  I was as prepared as I could be, but remember, my last 11 weeks were spent talking baby talk.  I had to put my “game face” on and talk real business speak to two men who would determine my fate in this new position.  To add to that, I didn’t want my most recent maternity leave to have anything to do with the hiring decision, so I asked that the hiring managers not be told I came back to work early.  I wanted to earn this position on my own, without any help.

Within one week of coming back to work, I was on a plane to the NE interviewing for a potential new job. This job would mean moving my family to a whole new part of the country.  Was I ready for that?  Did I stop and think of what this would mean for us?  My husband and I discussed it, and he said what he always does – we can make anything work.  I’m in! 

God, I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate Your bringing us together.  He truly is an amazing man, husband, father and friend!

While I didn’t think so at the time, thankfully, I was not offered the position.  I was given very good feedback and told that it was not the right fit at the time.  Part of the reason why I say thankfully is that the person who was hired for that position was let go within 6 months due to downsizing. 

Can you imagine?  We would have sold our house, moved our family half way across the country, away from everyone we knew and loved, to lose my job 6 months later????  It reminds me of a Garth Brooks song lyric – “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers…” Truly – Thank You!

About 3 weeks later, I received a call from HQ that there was another job coming open and I was one of a few select candidates getting a call to personally be asked to apply.  No pressure or anything!  So, again, with little additional thought, I applied for the job.  The good news about this one was that we wouldn’t have had to move.  Plus, it would give me new a whole new perspective of how our organization worked across all of our business units.  Very exciting!

Now get this.  The first phone screen for the job would take place during our vacation to Hawaii!  Because the position needed to be filled rather quickly, there weren’t any other options.  I needed to take the call during our vacation.  WHO DOES THIS???

Me.

Again, I prepared the best I could.  I was still only back to work for a few weeks, but I was more prepared for this one.  I took the call one morning.  Imagine this.  I was down at the pool in my swimsuit enjoying the sun.  I ran up to the room about 20 minutes prior to the call to open my computer and get myself prepared.  I completed the phone screen in 30 minutes and was back down to the pool within 1 hour of when I left.  So, do you think I did well in the interview??

Nope.  Wasn’t even moved on to the second round of live interviews.  Ugh!

Seriously, I am no longer going to apply for anything.  I just need to focus on the job that I currently have, that keeps me close to family and pays the bills. 

So, that is what I did.  And, that is when the magic happened.

Remember the women’s conference I attended?  It had been only a few months since I attended, but I had packed away all that I had learned and just jumped back into – “I’ll get it done because no one else will” mode.  I didn’t stop to think about anything else.  Until now. 

I remembered that I had the ability to say “no.”  Such a powerful word that many of us don’t use often enough.  And, I needed to stop and think about what I wanted, not chase positions where others may have wanted me – because, as you can see, that wasn’t working out too well for me.

The second part of that conference was the “Ground-Breaking Project.”  So, I took my time, talent and treasure and dove into my current day job and this project.  Especially because, this project was exactly what I wanted to do.  I wanted to make true organizational change.  And, since I work for a very large organization, this wasn’t going to be easy.  But, I knew I could do it – with God’s help.  So, I channeled all of my energy into my current job and my project, and prayed for God’s help, support and guidance.

More to come on what that brought to our family…

All I’ll say now is that – God is faithful.  He has a plan for each of us.  It is up to us to trust in Him.  What’s amazing is that God puts us exactly where we are supposed to be for all of the right reasons.  Through the process, we usually can’t stop to see the bigger picture.  We focus on the current “no” versus the bigger picture. 

Think back to a time when you thought something should happen, it didn’t, and then sometime later, you were able to see why it not happening was so much better.  Now, think about another, and another.  See, when you start to look back on life, you can see all of God’s work.  You can notice the blessings that may have seemed like burdens at the time.  You can see where the “unanswered prayers” were actually the set-up for even bigger blessings.  And, if you take the time to think back on all the times God has shown you that in your life, you can have increased faith that He will do it again.  So, when the next unanswered prayer occurs, you can stop and say –

“God, I’m not sure why this is a 'no' right now, but I trust in You.  I know You have a plan and I need to be faithful.  So, I am putting all my faith and trust in You.”

Quiet in the Midst of Chaos

Our daughter was born 19 days early.  That doesn't seem like much.  There are babies born much sooner than that.  She should be fine, right?!?!

For some reason, I knew that wasn't going to be the case.  And, sadly, I was right.

When our last son was born, his APGAR scores looked good right after birth.  They handed him to my husband to walk over to me as they were finishing my surgery.  I was able to see him, but saw he wasn't breathing.  They rushed him into the NICU.

Our daughter, well, they never handed her to my husband.  I never heard her cry.  I didn't know what was happening.  I knew she was early, but what now?  Please God, just tell me that she will be okay!  Please!

As I was wheeled into the post-anesthesia room to go through my usual ritual of shaking & vomiting (I know it's gross, but if you are like me, you want to know others have the same response to the anesthesia.  It's seriously the worst feeling as it wears off!), they started working on our little girl. 

The good news was that we were at a hospital with a very well known and highly regarded NICU.  All the babies had their own rooms.  Yep, you heard that right - their own rooms.  So, unlike my previous experience with a bunch of babies all around one room with no privacy, our little girl had her own room.  Plus, there was a couch / bed in the back, so I could stay in there as long as I wanted.  There was a TV, Internet Access...  If I had to be down there, they made it as comfortable as it could be.

Here's the thing, she was born with premature lungs.  Pretty much the same diagnosis as our little guy.  So, at least I understood much of what they were talking about when they discussed her situation.  The difference was that with our little guy, they vented him early, put surfactant in his lungs and started to taper off of medicine and support.  This different hospital had a different protocol.  They wanted to do the least amount possible to see if the little ones could overcome it themselves.  So, they started her on very little support and then had to dial up.

Two very different experiences.  The first - we are doing everything and he is responding.  We are slowing reducing the support he needs.  The second - she is still not getting enough oxygen, we need to increase our support.

If you have to go through both of those situations, I pray you receive them in the opposite order!

Here was the other shocker - she needed to be on "Low Stimulation" - meaning, low lights, no talking in the room, and quiet in the hallway outside of the room.  They only changed her diaper when it "needed" to be changed.  Any stimulation would drop her oxygen saturation to uncomfortably low levels.

Did I mention our oldest has a BOOMING VOICE??  We have a nearly 4 year old and a 16+ month old at home.  Both who do not understand inside voices.  What will we do?  How can we bring her home?  The boys are so excited, can we tell them they always need to be quiet?  How do we make this work?

The doctors kept telling me that it would likely reverse, but to a hormonal, emotional woman who just gave birth to her second child needing to be in the NICU, that did not compute.

To add to the story - when our oldest came to the hospital, he didn't understand why he couldn't meet his little sister - the one he had known was a sister and was praying for over the past few months.  And, why is mommy in a wheel chair?  Why can't she get up and hug me?

Plus, when it's baby #3, it's hard to find someone to watch 1 & 2 while mommy & daddy are spending time with #3.  And, since #3 was in the NICU, she was being taken care of 24/7, so daddy was able to go home.  Which left mommy alone a lot. 

I do need to note that both of our parents were a great help during this time.  My parents jumped in the car and drove 2 hours on Sunday night so that we could go to the hospital and took off the next couple of days to help with the boys.  Then, my husband's parents took over and spent the next few days.   I'm not sure how people do it who don't have family close.  I am still so very thankful that they dropped everything so that we didn't need to think of anything other than praying our little girl to health!

So, I did what I had to do.  Within 12 hours of surgery, I was up and out of bed.  I was in the wheel chair down in the NICU.  Within 24 hours of surgery, I would walk myself (holding onto a wheelchair) down to the NICU to be with our little girl.  Within 48 hours of surgery, I no longer needed the wheelchair (although, when they caught me walking without it, they wheeled it back to me). 

After the first 3 days of hearing about her needing "additional support", I started making suggestions.  See - I've done this once before.  I know this is your job and you do this multiple times each day.  I've only experienced this one time with one other baby.  But, I'm an emotional and hormonal mom who thinks she knows everything about this little girl who just came out and I see her struggling to breathe, and I just want you to fix it now.  So, with all that said, please just vent her, give her the surfactant and let her little body rest.  Please!  Help Her!

Yes.  Sounds pretty silly when you put it that way. But, don't forget the emotional / hormonal part.  And, add in that it's your little baby - I would move mountains if I could to take that struggling away.

By day 4, she turned the corner.  I have heard that God only give you what you can handle.  I believe, on day 3, He saw that it was all that I could handle.  And, I relied on Him a great deal.  I could never have made it through on my strength alone. 

She was born on December 12th.  I was able to stay at the hospital until December 16th, but then I needed to go home.  It was a difficult time.  How do you explain to your 4 year old that his baby sister, who was just born, needs more time with the doctors.  Oh yeah, and your mommy is crying all the time and going back and forth to the hospital because...  Well, just because..

The good news was that we did start to see her turn the corner before I came home.  So, it made coming home without her a little easier.  Not easy, just easier.  And, the doctor was right on so several accounts:  1 - she never needed to go on the vent - she was a fighter and figured it out on her own, 2 - as she was able to breathe better, the stimulation didn't drop her oxygenation, so 3 - we would be able to bring her home in the house of craziness and not worry about her breathing!

My prayer was that she would be healthy enough to spend Christmas with us at home.  And, on December 20th, our prayers were answered.  We were able to bring our baby girl home.  Hooray!!  I would do cartwheels if I could!  Seriously, let's throw a parade!  Our baby girl is home.  And, we get to celebrate Christmas with our new, full family!!

Looking back, what I love about that time (which sounds crazy, but there is a part that I loved) was the quiet time.  Again, I spent a great deal of time in her room while she was on low stimulation.  So, during that time, I sat there thinking, praying, reading the Bible.  Just being.  I listened to a great deal of monitors beeping - which became soothing.  There, I didn't need to be anything to anyone.  I didn't need to have my hair and make-up done, I could wear anything, I didn't need to have any of the answers (although from my previous paragraph - I thought I knew many of them), I didn't have to perform.  All I needed to be was present.  I needed to be there, in the moment, with our little girl and with God. 

People who knew me before and after having our daughter say that she has changed me.  I would agree to that in part.  I do believe that the experience changed me.  It brought me closer to my faith.  I didn't make it through that on my own.  It was only by the strength of God that I was able to lift my head.  And, He promises this all throughout the Bible. Here is a good verse from Matthew...

Matthew 11:28-30 (GNB):  Jesus is speaking... "Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest.  For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light."

God won't give us more than we can handle because He is there to lighten our load.  Our challenge is that we want to do it all.  We say, "I can handle it.  I will do it - myself."  When we do it that way, it can feel like it's more than we can handle, so much more than we can bear.  And, when we do it alone, it might be.  And, just because we rely on Jesus' strength does not mean that it becomes easy...just easier than doing it alone.

Embracing Women...

On the personal side...

We called our family to let them know that the previous gender prediction was incorrect, and we were actually having a girl.  This was quite a fun process, as no one knew what to believe.  Especially because, if you know my husband, you know that he LOVES to pull pranks.  He will make up a story that sounds almost too good to be true just to see if you will fall for it.  And, he comes by this honestly as many members of his family also enjoy these pranks.

So, when he told his family we were having a girl, it was funny to see the texts back and forth trying to determine if he was kidding or serious.  I remember one text was -

"Ok, Just tell me the truth, No Jokes Here.  What are you having?"

To this my husband replied, "Ok, ok.  We are having a girl.  Or, are we???"

I'm so thankful that God brought us together.  He is truly the light of my life.  I'm a pretty serious, type-A, nose to the grindstone person.  He is a fun, it will be fine, relax type of guy.  I need that.

The next few weeks / months were full of work, travel, and spending time with our little boys.  We were rearranging bedrooms, buying baby girl items, etc.  The pregnancy went pretty well.  I felt good.  Only gained about 50 pounds - which was good for me.  And she seemed to be progressing nicely.  We were all very happy. 

On the business side...

And, I was very excited that I was asked to participate in a women's leadership conference at the end of November / early December.  It was a 3-day meeting with 20+ amazing female leaders across our organization.  I was so excited.  However, it was going to be near the end of my pregnancy, so I wouldn't be able to fly.  I thought I would need to miss out - disappointed!  To my surprise, the meeting was scheduled to take place in Chicago, so I would still be able to attend - I could drive there.  Yippee!!  Back to being excited!

The reason I tell you about this conference is because it sets up the last 2 years of my life.  If I wouldn't have gone to this conference, I'm not sure where I would be today.  And, I had many people in my life recommending me not to go.  Rightfully so.  I was 35 weeks pregnant and it wasn't a work necessity.  So, saying "no" would have been okay.  But, for some reason, I truly felt like, if I could make it work.  More importantly, I felt it was where I needed to be.  I mean, truly, it was like I was being pulled.  I needed to go.  I wasn't sure why at the time...

The three days were AMAZING!  I learned so much about myself, why I do the things I do, and how to potentially make different choices for a bigger impact - and a happier life.  Please know, I cannot oversell how impactful these three days were for me and for my family.  I have included a link to the program information from their site.  This does not do the program justice.  It is truly life changing.  Well, at least it was for me!  http://www.womensleadership.com/women_leading_change.php

When the program ended, I only had a few days left of work prior to heading off for maternity leave - what I was hoping to be three weeks of family time prior to the birth of our little girl.  During those few days, I was finishing transitioning all work projects to other colleagues.  We were going through a realignment, so the leader that I had been working for and with for the past few years would no longer be with the organization.  I would work for another direct supervisor who I didn't know.  Plus, the program I had just completed came with a commitment.  We needed to commit to a project that would save or generate significant dollars to our organization.  My previous leader was in 100% support of this project.  I wasn't sure what my new supervisor would think...

I started my leave on December 7th.  I remember making a call to a gentleman in HQ asking if, when I returned to work, he would help me with my project.  I can only imagine what that call must have sounded like on the other end of the phone.  Here is this crazy, pregnant woman who is asking for my support for a project that will start 3 months from now, but felt it was so urgent, that she needed to call me on the first day of her maternity leave. That call also sets up my current place at work.

Putting it all together...

It's December 8th.  I'm finally shutting down.  I slept in the first morning. Loved waking up to the boys jumping in our bed.  I had nothing to do.  Nothing on my schedule.  Just time to think, and pray, and wait... 

Until December 11th, when I started to feel labor pains.  I knew what to do.  Lay on my side, drink lots of water, try to relax and get some sleep.  I remember all of those suggestions when my labor started the last time.  None of it was working.  So, I called to doctor who told me the same thing.  And, if it didn't work, we needed to go to the hospital.

At about 8pm, we decided that we needed to go in.  We weren't packed and ready.  We still had 2+ weeks of peace and quiet and relaxing and...

Side note:  Seriously, I can never give myself a break.  This is a personal issue for me, but I truly don't know how to "shut down."  As you can see, when I am pregnant and shut down from work, my body takes over and starts into labor.  I really need to get this checked out!
When we got to the hospital, my contractions were less than 5 minutes apart and were getting closer each time.  And, because I was just into my 37th week, she was considered full-term, so no medicines to stop the labor.  We were heading into surgery.  Our daughter would be born soon.

From Bugs to Butterflies

Those of you who know me know that I am a guy's girl.  I like sports. You will usually not find me in dresses.  I don't care much about hair, make-up or jewelry.  Well, I take a little of that back.  I am only 36 and seriously about 60% gray.  I do care enough to cover my gray every 3-4 weeks. Yes - every 3-4 weeks!  But, overall, I'm not very girly.

That was fitting because God had blessed us with two amazing little men.  They are truly awesome!  As I watched them grow and develop, it was so clear to me why God had chosen these two little boys to join our family.  He chose them specifically for my husband and I, and they are ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!! 

So, when I went through those tests during my 11th week of pregnancy with this little peanut, I asked the ultrasound technician if she could tell if we were having a boy or a girl.  She said, in her opinion - knowing that it was really tough to tell this early - she thought I was having a boy.  Probably a 70% chance.

Some women might be disappointed by that statement, but I must admit, I wasn't.  I knew how to be a mom of boys.  Yes, they are louder (oh - and did I tell you that my oldest has a BOOMING voice!?!?!), and they rough house.  But, they are also very sweet.  And, while they stay home with their dad, they still very much love their mom.  All perfect for our family.

For the next few weeks, when saying our prayers at night with our oldest (remember, our little one was just about a year now), we would pray for our newest little guy to join our family.  My oldest son would say...

"But Mommy, What if it's a GIRL??" 

I didn't want him to be disappointed, so I would tell him that I really thought that we were going to have another little boy and that he is now and would be the best biggest brother ever!

This went on for weeks.  And, nearly every night, he would say - What if it's a girl?  So, I stopped praying for our little guy and prayed for our newest baby that would be joining our family.  It wasn't worth the discussion, and either way, we would be parents of three boys.

Since everything was progressing nicely, we decided to bring both boys to the 20 week ultrasound when we would confirm the sex of the baby.  A BOY - Right?!?!

Imagine this.  I'm laying on the table with my husband holding our two sons on his lap at the head of my bed.  The ultrasound technician is going through and looking at the baby with the screen pointed so we can all see.  And then she asks the question we had been waiting for...

Would you like to know the sex of your new baby?

And, I said something like...Sure, we already know it's a boy.

Then she says...

Nope Mom, them are some GIRL PARTS!!!

At this point, I am in total shock.  Seriously, for the past 9 weeks I have been convinced we would be the mom of three boys.  Now, I am learning it's a girl.  What do I do with a girl?!?!?!

And then, our oldest little one says...

See Mom!  I told you.  I told you it would be a girl.

So now, I am laughing hysterically on the table - so much so that the tech can not complete her measurements because my belly is bouncing uncontrollably. 

He was right.  He knew.  Somehow, he knew.  I'm not sure how, but I do know that he was 100% right.

We left the office, and went to lunch.  My husband wanted to call all of the family, but I was trying to let it all sink in.  What would we do with a little girl?  Pink, Pigtails, Dresses, Lace??  That doesn't compute...

But, I could rest in this.  God gave us two amazing little ones.  Our oldest was already showing signs of being the best biggest brother and he was only 3 1/2.  Our now middle child was starting to show his own personality, and he was and is perfect.  So, why doubt God's decisions now? 

It took me a while to fully embrace a little girl, but I did truly embrace the idea before I had the opportunity to fully embrace her.  God has a plan.  He always does.  And, He knows exactly what we need.  And, He knew we needed a little girl for our family - so that is what He gave us.

A Test of Faith

I was about 8 weeks pregnant when I went to see my OB.  Based on my past, I was hoping to be able to do an ultrasound right then.  Unfortunately, that wasn't possible as the techs were swamped that day with other pregnant women.  So, I would need to schedule a follow-up with the ultrasound people.  That's fine.  Really, it wasn't fine, but what was I going to do.  I needed to accept it and move on...

He then talked to me about the increased risk of complications due to my...  wait for it...

Advanced Maternal Age!?!?!

What?  I'm only 34.  And, yes, I will be 35 when I deliver, but seriously.  In my mind, I heard him say - GERIATRIC PREGNANCY.  People are having kids in their 40s & 50s.  I'm only 34!!

After I got over that shock, I joined back into the conversation he was having.  I think he thought he was having it with me, but I totally checked out for a few minutes.  When I checked back in, here is what I heard...

All that means is that you will have a blood test and a higher resolution ultrasound. 

OK - I'm in for that.  I'll do anything to see this little peanut swimming in my belly. 

When I left the office, I was given a pamphlet with a phone number to call to set up the appointment between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy.  As I read the brochure, everything started to sink in. 

The part that I missed was that he was asking me if I wanted to do genetic testing to find out if there was anything wrong with our little one.  Since I was older, it was more likely that our baby could have an increased risk of complications or genetic abnormalities. 

So, I called, I set up the appointment, and I went in.  Prior to doing the testing, they need to share with you all of the risks.  So, I listened.  And then I said...

The only reason why I agreed to do this is because I was going to be able to see our baby.  Please understand that I know you must share this information, all of these statistics with me, and I will listen.  However, please know this.  Regardless of what your information shows, I will not do any further testing.  I trust in the fact that God has given me this child for a reason, and I will not EVER give up on this child.  If he or she stays with me throughout this pregnancy, I will stay with him or her each day of life.  No matter what.

I tried to say it in the nicest way possible, but I am certain she wasn't expecting that response.  And, I'm not sure I was expecting myself to give that answer. She smiled at me and we went on to complete the tests.

When I walked out of the office, I didn't give the tests a second thought.  I went on rubbing my belly and loving on this little child growing in there.  A week or so later, I received a call.  I have to say I truly forgot I was supposed to be waiting for the call.  When the phone rang, I answered it and was surprised to hear it was the office.  Thankfully, they called to tell me that all was fine with our little one.  Our risks were very low.

When I made those statements to the genetic specialist, I said those things fully believing all would be okay with our baby.  I cannot be 100% sure what actions I would have taken if the answer on that call would have been different.  What if we did have increased risk?  Would I have continued the tests?  If I did, did that mean I would have trusted God any less? 

NO!!!

I may have wanted more tests to ensure we were prepared to make his the best life possible for this child.  What did we need to do?   How do we prepare the house?  How do we prepare our other children?  Our family?  What medical resources might we need? 

There are so many couples out there who receive calls with different outcomes.  My heart goes out to them.  I cannot imagine the challenge that must bring into an already emotional time.  Truly, I cannot imagine. 

Psalm 139:13-16 (GNB):  You created every part of me; You put me together in my mother's womb.  I praise You because You are to be feared; all You do is strange and wonderful.  I know it with all my heart.  When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother's womb, when I was growing there in secret, You knew that I was there - You saw me before I was born.  The days allotted to me had all been recorded in Your book, before any of them ever began.