It's All About Perspective

I've had many thoughts swirling through my mind the past few weeks, and the one common theme that continues to come back to me is... 

It's all about perspective. 

Here's an example. About 2 weeks ago, my husband and I were talking about getting healthy. We discussed our desires to be healthier, to eat right, to exercise, to set a better example for our children, and to take care of the bodies God has given to us. 

My next two weeks involved eating better and taking my vitamins. While I have many excuses (and could come up with as many as I need), the bottom line is that I have not committed to exercising. And, while I have lost some weight, and do feel better, I need to make that commitment. All that said, I do feel like I am currently making better choices in my life, and setting a better example for our kids, so I feel good about where I am at. I can improve, but I feel good. I am committing to living healthier. My perspective. 

My husband also made a commitment. His commitment was to diet, exercise, and lose weight. You might think that is the same thing, but here's where I see the difference (again - It's all about perspective). When he chose to eat poorly, or to not play basketball for exercise, or he missed his vitamins, or the scale didn't change - he didn't feel good. He seemed to feel bad. When we talked, he sounded like he had failed, and he sounded defeated. 

 It's all about perspective. 

 He didn't seem to be able to see the benefit of the two weeks when he did eat well, worked out, took his vitamins, and saw a difference both physically and on the scale. His mind was focused on the two days when he chose different behaviors. 

 Why do we do this? Why do we focus on the results and not the journey? Why do we need to focus on the results at all?  And, what happens when we achieve the result - does that mean that our journey ends? 

 In this scenario, let's say we reach our "ideal weight" or our "ideal BMI", does that mean we get to pig out on junk food, stop exercising and live like sloths? 

 In my opinion, part of the challenge is our perspective. It seems like we are always striving for something. It's not the journey, it's the destination. 

 I want more money. I want a better job. I want a bigger house. I want a nicer car. I want to be skinny. I want to be stronger. I want... I want... I want... 

 So, what do we do? We strive for that result. We lose focus on the day to day, and our focus becomes that result. We miss out on the lessons in the journey, because it isn't about the journey. It's about the result. 

 And, what happens when we achieve that result? We find a new want - and we focus on that. Or, worse yet, what happens if we don't achieve that result? We focus on what we missed. Why did we miss that? Why couldn't we commit? Why are we such failures? 

 What if we could completely change our perspective? What if instead of focusing on a single result on which we will succeed or fail, we start to focus solely on the journey? If we can unpack the "why" we are so focused on that result, and once we find that - let that be the focus of our journey. 

 For example, instead of focusing on dieting, focus on living a healthy lifestyle. Not focus on the weight on the scale, instead focus on making better dietary choices. Instead of looking at each individual choice as another opportunity to fail, look at the totality of the choices and see the positive changes that were made compared to the prior decisions. 

 This might seem like a small thing, but it is so hard to do. I see it repeat itself over and over again. In so many of my conversations this week, I have talked with people who felt like failures because they missed a very tiny window of a result. And, I think this is part of why we lay so much additional pressure and stress upon ourselves each and every day. 

 We strive to do something, to achieve something, to be something. Why can't we just be proud of who we are? Why can't we focus on the positive changes and be proud of what we have accomplished? Not in a boastful, ungrateful, all about me way - but in a present, grateful, prayerful, focused on the improvements for a greater purpose way. 

 There is a quote by Les Brown that says... "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." 

 My question now is... Would we be happy if we missed the moon, but still landed among the stars? Would we even notice that we were among the stars or would our focus be on our missing the moon? Are we ever satisfied? 

 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (GNB): Well, religion does make a person very rich, if he is satisfied with what he has. What did we bring into the world? Nothing! What can we take out of the world? Nothing! So then, if we have food and clothes, that should be enough for us. 

 And, we should be satisfied. God has provided all that we need. 

 Ephesians 2:8-9 (GNB): For it is by God's grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God's gift, so that no one can boast about it. 

 So, while I believe it's all about perspective, how do I change mine? How can I focus on being present through the journey so I can learn God's lessons instead focusing on the specific result of which I will succeed or fail? I haven't figured that out yet. But, knowing the problem is the first step to finding a solution.

Every Part of Me

What an amazing few days! Last week, our biggest buddy started Kindergarten, and he started soccer (3v3 Soccer for Under 6 year olds, but still organized sports), and he starts CCD in a few weeks. 

So, this got me thinking. Our oldest child now has several parts of his life that do not fully involve us. After we get him on the bus in the morning, he is off to school by himself. On his 2nd day of school, he told his dad that he wanted to learn how to buy his lunch (they have a pin # they put into a keypad that deducts money out of a pre-paid account - how techy these kids are these days!?!?! What happened to a good old fashioned envelope with cold, hard cash?? Better yet - what happened to truly brown bagging it with a PB&J and a juice box??) Oh, but I digress. 

So, he gets on the bus, goes through the first half of school, buys his lunch, goes back to classes until "structured play" (they can't call it recess anymore either?!?!), and then his daddy picks him up. Some days, he is home for only a few moments to do homework (coloring or cutting, but still), eat a quick dinner, and then off to soccer practice. Back home with us for a little while for a bath and bed. 

 And, when I do get moments with him to talk about his day, I want to know about each every part. Every detail. 

How was the bus ride to school? Who did he sit with? What did he learn today? What did he eat for lunch? Did he like it? Who did he sit by at lunch? Who did he play with during "structured play"? How was soccer? What did they learn? How did he do? What does he want to wear to school tomorrow? Does he want us to make his lunch or does he want to buy it? And there are probably 1,000,000 more questions I have!!! 

So, why did I run you through his entire day and then all the questions I have? Well, because it got me thinking... 

As a parent, I want to be there through EVERY PART of his day. I want to know all about it. And, I want him to WANT to come home and share EVERY DETAIL with me. 

Is that how God feels about me? I mean, He is our Heavenly Father, right? So, it's not that far-fetched to think that He would feel the same, right? 

And, yes, I know it is different because He does know each and every minute detail of each and every day for each and every one of us. Seriously, He is AMAZING!! 

All that said, just like I am sad when my little guy doesn't want to share everything with me, I wonder if I make God sad when I don't share everything with Him. And, just like I love to see the look in our son's eyes when he knows how proud we are of him, I wonder what else I can do to help make God more proud of me.  

Are there parts of my day that I don't share with Him? When He is an after-thought? Or, when He isn't even part of the thought? How many times should I go to Him for guidance, but instead, rest on my own choices? Make bad decisions - and - pray for Him to clean it up... Are there times when I have the opportunity to share His name, His works, His grace, but I want to be the "cool kid" so I decide not to. Makes me think of times coming up when our little guy may not want to give me a hug or kiss or tell me he loves me in front of his friends. Kinda breaks my heart a little. 

So, am I breaking God's heart? Not tearing it apart, but are there things I can do?  How can I improve? How can I make God part of everything? Part of my work life, my home life, my family life? How can I help to remind myself to seek His guidance first, before resting on my own skills. And, when things go well, how can I remind myself to glorify God for the talents He has given me, and focus on Him versus focusing on me? I almost always remember to go to Him when things are bad; so how do I make myself go to Him first always?? 

Well, I don't have an answer to any of that. It's just been on my mind a great deal lately. So, I went to the Bible to look for verses to help me remind myself to always go to God first. Here are some versus I found: 

John 3:16 (GNB): For God loved the world so much that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not die, but have eternal life. 

Imagine how much we love our children in our worldly ability to love. What does that love look like when it's a God-sized love? My brain can't wrap itself around what that must feel like. 

 So, what does He call us to do?

Galatians 2:20 (GNB): so that it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. This life that I live now, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave His life for me. 

And, some of my favorites from Proverbs: 

Proverbs 3:5-6 (GNB): Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and He will show you the right way. 

Proverbs 3:7 (GNB): Never let yourself think that you are wiser than you are; simply obey the Lord and refuse to do wrong. 

As I write all of this, I'm also reminded of a newer song by Amy Grant titled "Don't Try So Hard." If you haven't heard it, definitely worth a listen! It's one of my favorites because in the chorus she sings... 

"Don't try so hard. God give you grace and you can't earn it. Stop thinking you're not worth it. Because you are. He gave you His love and He's not leaving. He gave you His Son so you'd believe it. Your lovely even with your scars, so don't try so hard." 

As I type those words, tears well up in my eyes. Because I am so proud of my children - for who the little people that they are - and I would never want them to feel that they needed to work that hard for my love. I love them NO MATTER WHAT! And, there is NOTHING that they could do to "earn" my love. It is theirs. I give it freely. And, I hope I show them each and every day how amazingly blessed I feel to have the privilege of being their mom. 

With all of that, I know that God is proud of me, not because of what I do, rather because I am His daughter. He made me. He has a plan for me. 

But, just like a little boy who gets a good grade and runs home to show it to his dad to see the joy on his face, I want to do good works - not to get into Heaven because I know Jesus already paid that price for each of us. Rather, I hope that when I go home, and I get to see His face, I hope I can see the joy that the works I have done on this Earth make Him proud, too.

Time, Talent & Treasure

I just learned that a woman I work with wrote a book titled Be a Cheerful Giver. I went to the website and was able to get a peek into the book. From what I gather, it's a book about the amazing gifts God has given people through their giving to others. And, while I plan to go out and buy the book today, I wanted to give some thought first to my views on giving - and how those thoughts have changed over the years.

Before I move on, I would ask anyone who reads this to click over to www.beacheerfulgivercd.com.  

So, what are my thoughts on giving?  Sadly, for many years, my thoughts were that I deserved everything that I had because I made it and it was up to me where I spent it and who I shared it with. I was very entitled. Why should I give away what I've earned?  

During that time, I was also living WAY above my means. I had a good job and was making good money, but I was living like I was making nearly double. I was in credit card debt - not because of cheerful giving, more because of greedy taking. 

And, when we got married, we were both a bit of financial messes. And, since most of friends were too, we didn't seem to give it much thought. 

But then one day it hit me - this was probably another "God Knocking" moment. Why do I work so hard, take very little home, share almost none with anyone else, because I am paying it all to the credit card people???  Oh Yeah - it's because I spent all of this before I made it. It was like I ran into a brick wall and woke up. This is not the way I wanted to live - and not the way I wanted our kids to be raised.  

So, where are my thoughts now?  I'm not sure when they changed, but I do know that they did.  About 3 years ago, my husband and I sat down and decided that we wanted to live mostly debt free.  And, I say mostly because we weren't going to be able to pay off the house any time soon.  But we wanted all other debts gone.  So, little by little, we paid everything off.  It was difficult during those three years, especially because we went from 1 child to 3 children in the same time.  That meant more diapers, more formula, more doctors appointments, etc.  But, we did it.  That allowed us to look at all that God had given us, and really start to think about generous giving.

Here is what the Bible says about giving:

Acts 20:35 (GNB):  I have shown you in all things that by working hard in this way we must help the weak, remembering the words that the Lord Jesus himself said, "There is more happiness in giving than in receiving."

2 Corinthians 9:7-9 (GNB):  You should each give, then, as you have decided, not with regret or out of a sense of duty; for God loves the one who gives gladly.  And God is able to give you more than you need, so that you will always have all you need for yourselves and more than enough for every good cause.  As the scripture says:  "He gives generously to the needy; his kindness lasts for ever."

What does that look like for us?  Well, I believe we are called to give generously.  And, giving is not just the dollars you hand over.  Again, we don't all have the extra dollars to spend.  But, we might have an extra hour a month, or extra clothes that we aren't wearing, or a piece of furniture that we plan to replace.

When we first started this journey, we didn't have much extra money.  So, we started with a few small donations to good causes and our church.  Then, we started looking at the items in our home that could be used by others.  We started giving these items away (clothes, furniture, bedding, etc.).  And, that was all we could do for a while, especially with these little ones needing so much.  But then, we realized things were getting a little easier, so we started to give a little more, and added our time to the mix.

About 2 years ago, I realized that giving isn't just about the money or goods you have.  It is also about giving your time and your talents to help others.  So, I started volunteering.  And, once you start, it can become a 2nd full-time job, so I needed to be thoughtful about it.  I wanted to choose places where I was able to have the best impact, understanding that the time volunteering was also time away from our children (and remember, I only get them 30-40% of the time).

For us, our solution was to choose a few places where we would share our time, talent & treasure, so that it had the biggest impact.  Instead of spreading a little everywhere, we wanted to give generously in a few places.  We chose:

Our Schools
Our Church
Women's Groups
Helping Children
 

While there are various views on giving, this focus helped us to feel like our time, our talents and our treasure were all multiplied in our giving in these areas.  God has blessed us, and I believe He has called us to bless others.  Not because we have to, rather because it is the right thing to do.  Why should we keep it all to ourselves?  We got it through the gifts that God has given us.  By His mercy, His strength, His grace, we have each been saved.  Why then, should we be so focused on what we can keep instead of looking at what we can share.

One last point - it is so important to give for giving sake, and not look at it for what we get in return.  While there are so many amazing benefits of giving, the purpose of giving is to bless others.  I say this because I had a recent experience where I asked others to support me in something.  When they didn't, I was very disappointed - and this is where the devil loves to play.  My mind was filled with thoughts of - 

"Well, I guess I won't go and support them, either!"  

While, sadly, that is where my mind went first, the amazing thing about God is that He is always there and He helps us to see the error in our thinking.  And, He quickly pulled me out of that hole and said, 

"Daughter, I have called you to give generously - not for what you will receive, only for the gift of giving to others."  

See, being a Christian and walking in faith doesn't mean that we don't have evil, nasty, terrible thoughts.  Although, I hope one day those go away, too!  But for now, what I am learning is how, with God's help, to quickly get over those thoughts and onto the more beautiful ones.  

God has given us so many blessings!  Where can I go and show His Love by blessing others??

On Parenting

I have been giving this a great deal of thought lately – where do our parenting styles come from? Is it how we were brought up, or the opposite of how we were brought up? Is it based on our spouse’s style and we adapt closer to or further away? 

 And, there are all these categories of parenting – well, really of mother’s parenting styles: Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Friend Mom, Mean Mom, etc. Where do I fit in? And, why did I choose that style? 

Let’s start with me. I have had the opportunity to lead various teams in my organization. And, I have also had the opportunity to be evaluated based on my leadership style. What I have learned is that I have high expectations of myself and hold myself to extremely high standards. Because of that, I also have very high expectations of others…sometimes unreasonably high expectations of others. 

 How does that translate into my parenting style? I have extremely high expectations of our children. Even at this very young age, I do. And, it might also be unreasonable, but at least I’m consistent… 

Here is how it manifests. I would label myself as a “Teachable Moment Mom.” What that looks like is every time something happens, I don’t just look at that individual moment; I forecast what that might mean down the road. I quickly review times in the past when I have seen the behavior and, if not corrected, how it might manifest in the future. And then, I swoop in with a teachable moment. 

Let’s look at an example: Our middle child has the habit of putting things where they don’t belong. Some examples include: 

• Putting tissue paper up his nose – causing us to run to the ER to get his nose scoped, and the doctor to use an “alligator” to remove it. 

• Putting numerous objects down the vents, not just at our house, but at others’ homes 

• Putting a T-ball ball down the PVC pipe outside our home – causing us to call a plumber to help fish it out as it was sitting on top of the fan on the water heater.

 

As you can see, he has a history of putting things in places where they don’t belong. So, when it happened again, when he more items down the vent, “Teachable Moment Mom” stepped in. 

First, he was placed in time out. Then, we had a discussion about where he placed the objects, and why this was not okay to do. We talked about what we might take away as a result of his behavior. We talked about how to ensure he doesn’t do it in the future because even more things would be taken away. Plus, how would he like it if his brother would take his things and put them where they didn’t belong. 

 I know…he’s only 3. And, I know…he might not get it. But, in my defense, he does seem to get it. He understands when he does the wrong things. I know this because, when I’m around him doing these things, I see him looking at me to see if I will react. He is looking for boundaries. He is seeing how far he can push before he will get in trouble. 

There are many options. I could just let things go. In the grand scheme of things, these little troublesome moments are not that big of a deal. Right? Sure. But, what will it lead to? And, when will we stop it? And, how can we be consistent so he knows right from wrong? And, why not stop this behavior now before it becomes a problem. 

I heard Andy Stanley talking on a TV program one afternoon about guardrails. What I gathered (again, please note that this is what I gathered, not necessarily what he said) was that it is important to put up guardrails and be consistent. And, those guardrails should not be placed right up against catastrophic behavior. The beauty of guardrails is that they keep you on track. If you bump into one, you can quickly get back on the road. They keep you away from the cliff. And, they are usually placed with room before the cliff, so that if you do cross it, you aren’t heading straight down – you have time to correct. 

 So, I have taken that advice, and several verses in Proverbs listed below: 

Proverbs 19:18 (GNTD): Discipline your children while they are young enough to learn. If you don’t you are helping them destroy themselves. 

Proverbs 20:7 (GNTD): Children are fortunate if they have a father who is honest and does what is right. 

Proverbs 22:6 (GNTD): Teach children how they should live, and they will remember it all their life. 

Proverbs 22:15 (GNTD): Children just naturally do silly, careless things, but a good spanking will teach them how to behave 

 Taking all that in, let’s add in the last piece, our family life. In our home, my husband is the stay at home parent. And, I must add, he is an amazing father! If you know my husband, you also know that he is more of the mentality that “rules are meant to be broken” and “not everything is a big deal.” And, again, our children are so lucky to have their daddy home because their mommy is “everything is a teachable moment” and “right is right; wrong is wrong.” There isn’t much in between for me. Layer on that the fact that daddy gets to be with the kiddos 100% of the time. Mommy, on the other hand, only gets to be with the little ones about 40% of the time. Lately, that number has dropped down to about 30% of the time. 

 Let’s tie this all up into a bow. When I get to be mommy (my 30-40% of the time), I want to be 100% mommy to the kids. That means being fun mom, but also being teachable moment mom. And, it’s amazing, in my 30-40% how many teachable moments there are. Seriously! They happen more than you would ever imagine! 

But, I put it all into perspective with this. 

1 – Our children know, without a question, that their mom and dad love them more than anything else in this world. We prayed for them long before they ever came into our lives. And, we could not imagine our lives without them. As our oldest tells me, “I know mom, you love me no matter what!” 

 2 – Our children are really good kids! They are usually kind and respectful. And, when they choose poor behavior, and I ask – “was that respectful or disrespectful?” – they respond correctly. Or, when my oldest does something he knows he shouldn’t have done and our middle child repeats that behavior, without prompting our oldest will say – “I know – see what I teach my brother.” And, the three year old is starting to respond the same way. 

 3 – Our children are spoiled with love and gifts! They do get all of their needs, and nearly all of their wants. And, we are trying to make they wait to earn things – even free app downloads on the iPad. It’s not just the cost of things, we want the kids to know that they should be good all the time, and with good behavior comes positive rewards. 

 4 – And, when things go wrong / when our kids don’t listen and bad things happen (like getting hurt jumping off the bed), we can respond with “now do you understand why we have those rules?” To that, our oldest will reply with tear-filled eyes…– “Yes, so I don’t get hurt.” 

So, all in all, I think we have a healthy balance. My husband gets to be the “not everything is a big deal” dad, and I get to be “teachable moment” mom. Somewhere in between, our kids probably have the right balance of rules and flexibility. And while I’m sure we will make many mistakes as they each grow and challenge us in new and inventive ways, I know that I will love and cherish each day as they are our precious gifts from God.

Getting Caught Up

Wow! The past few weeks have been a whirlwind! So, let’s get caught up!

Remember when I posted about the conference I attended and the call I made just before our daughter was born? So, here is how all of that played out…

After I returned from maternity leave, I applied for two positions and didn’t get them. So, I decided to stop searching on my own, and start focusing on where God wanted me to be. So, for the remainder of the year, I focused on doing my day job the absolute best that I knew how. And, I asked others how I could improve, so that I would continue to grow and develop and succeed.

All that said, I also made a commitment during the conference. I committed to a project that had to save or generate at least $30,000 for our organization. And, I had a passion for increasing the skills of our sales force. Our market was experiencing significant change due to the economic and healthcare environment. So, we needed to invest in our employees so that they had a better opportunity to make a true impact.

While I won’t get into all of the details of our project, I will say this… It was a true team effort. I had the awesome opportunity to meet with amazing people across our organization. And, one of the people I had the chance to work more closely with was the gentleman that I called as I was starting my maternity leave.

See, he was running this project on innovating our market model. And, I was super excited about the opportunity to work with him. So, when I started on this project, I wanted to see if there was a way to stay connected to his team in order to enhance their work and not duplicate efforts.

Enough with the boring details, here are the results – I got a new job!!! That work that we did on the project helped me grow and develop and gain new contacts. All of that helped to prepare me for these new roles that opened up in the middle of this year. And, now I get to work on a small team of amazingly talented people on making a true difference to our organization…

HOW COOL IS THAT? 

You may wonder… What does that have to do with God? Well, let me explain.

See, when I got back from maternity leave, I was running away from what I knew could be a tough situation. So, I was looking for any out I could find. But, God had a different plan. He knew that I had more to learn. I needed to be patient. I needed to understand that I was exactly where He wanted me to be. And, I needed to trust Him.

What’s amazing is that, toward the end of last year, I was able to see why He wanted me to wait. He had a different plan for me. These new roles were being created, and He had put me in the place I needed to be to get the training, experience and relationships necessary to be competitive for the role. And, when the positions opened, I could so clearly see the Hand of God working to help me prepare.

Even with all of this, I still sat and prayed about the position. This meant more travel, more time away from my husband and our children. Was this truly what God wanted me to do? As I would quietly sit, pray, and ask God for guidance, I would feel almost a calm come over me. It was almost as if there was no question – or – the question was answered. This was where I was to be. Not because of me; only because God had prepared me to be here.

I was paging through the Bible, and I came across this passage:

Romans 12:6-8 (GNTD): So we are to use our different gifts in accordance with the grace that God has given us. If our gift is to speak God’s message, we should do it according to the faith that we have; if it is to serve, we should serve; if it is to teach, we should teach; if it is to encourage others, we should do so. Whoever shares with others should do it generously; whoever has authority should work hard; whoever shows kindness to others should do it cheerfully.

While I am starting to get the details of the job figured out, I know God has a greater plan. There is a reason why I am here beyond the actual work that we need to accomplish. And, believe me, there is a lot of work! So, I am cheerfully doing great work while I patiently wait for His next direction.

What's Next?

As you can imagine, that was a truly tough time.  And, because we were at the meeting, we shared the news with more people than we hoped.  So, even as late as last week, I received a message from a colleague who "heard through the grapevine that we were expecting again - and Congratulations."  So, last week was 13 weeks since learning about the miscarriage.  How do you think I handled it???

I cried.  I know it's been 13 weeks, but still, it's only been 13 weeks.  As for the e-mail, I didn't respond to that part of the message.  I responded with comments on the other part, but left that part alone. 

How do you respond to that?? 

So, now what?  What do we do?  Do we try again? 

We haven't come to a final decision on that.  While we both could be done (which is a new position for my husband as he has never said anything beside he wanted more children), we are still open to the possibility of having more.  With that said, we are both getting older, and my cycles are still terrible.  So, now what?

Just this weekend we talked about whether or not to go back on the pill.  It would make my life easier, but it would mean stopping our chances of pregnancy.  What do we do?

Oh, and I haven't mentioned that I am again a few days late.  And, I took another test on Sunday morning (without my husband).  Although this time, when he walked back into the room, he asked - So what did the pregnancy test say?

Although he wasn't there, he knew it was happening. I sure do love that man!!

The test results - Not Pregnant.  And, for the first time, I could see that he was okay with that answer.  He feels full and complete.  We have our three here to hold and two waiting for us.  Just over six years ago, we thought we might never have children.  We have been pregnant 5 times and have three amazing little ones God has given us to raise.  We have truly been blessed.  We feel complete.

So, as for our next steps in fertility, I'm not sure.  I ordered the pills, but haven't taken them yet.  I think we still have some talking and praying to do.  And, even if we start the pill, if God wants us to have another baby, I know He can make it happen.