The Wait

Written on Thursday, August 28th:

As I sit here in the Raleigh airport waiting for my flight home, I am an emotional wreck.  I cannot imagine my life without my faith – truly, I cannot imagine how I would have gotten through this week.  Here are the highlights:

·         Surgery on Monday went as good as could be expected.  Waiting for pathology to confirm, but oncologist was very encouraged – still talking cure.  Hallelujah!
·         Monday night, found out a great friend of my sister’s family collapsed over the weekend and was in need of prayers.  He was a 31 year old father of 3, 3^rd grade teacher, tennis coach, and on all accounts an amazing individual.  I read a post from a mother who had a student in his 3^rd grade class.  I will not do that post justice, so please read it @ tuesdaysperspective.blogspot.com.  Long story short, this man was an Angel on Earth.  Sadly, I say was because God called him up to Heaven on Wednesday evening.  No words…
·         I spent the day on Wednesday with an amazing friend & colleague who is going through struggles – both with the health of her child and strengthening her marriage
·         Today, I met a man whose wife suffered a brain injury during labor & delivery of their twins 5 years ago.  While she is “functioning,” she still has significant deficits compared to her life before this incident.
·         I spoke with Parker’s dad (if you don’t know or remember Parker, please read my blog from 3/19 – Please Help!  Prayer Request).  Parker was just released from the hospital after a 10 day stay due to an infection that his body couldn’t fight off due to the cancer treatments.  Hallelujah, Parker is home and doing better!
·         An amazing woman I met over the summer who has struggled with getting pregnant just posted that she and her husband are expecting their first child this April
·         Friends from high school who had a child born with both a chromosome disorder & bilateral neuroblastoma, posted an amazing video of their journey to a cancer-free diagnosis.
·         Another friend from high school who has been fighting cancer found out that it is back, very aggressive, and is having issues with insurance covering his treatments.

I know there has been more – but I think that is all my heart can handle.  This roller coaster of emotions has really taken a toll on me.  I think the people sitting around me think I am a little crazy – crying & typing at the gate J.

What came to mind this week, especially with some of the sadness, was a passage out of Chip Ingram’s God as He longs for you to see Him.  You need to truly read this book because Chip tells this story in a way where you can actually feel like you are there.  Here is my version:

His friend Glen was on vacation from a mission with his wife and family when Glen saw a young boy about to drown – get pulled under by the undertow.  Glen shot into action, pulled the boy up from the undertow and threw him into a wave that drag him to shore. 

While the boy was getting help, his friend Glen found himself being pulled down by the undertow – and truly felt like he was going to die.  In what he thought would be his last breath, he prayed out to Jesus for help.  In that instant, he felt himself pulled from the bottom and moving toward the shore.

Now, you may be wondering why I am recounting this story from the book.  Here it is:

When Glen was revived and was able to speak, he said to his friend – “God is good, isn’t He?”

Now – if a friend of yours just survived what seemed to all there to be certain death – what would you say?  “Absolutely!”  “Hallelujah!”  “Praise God!”  “God is Good, Amazing, Wonderful!”

Here is what Glen’s friend said:  “Glen, God sure is good, but he’d be good even if you died out there.”

Wow!  That is a heavy comment – especially considering the circumstances, right?!?  But, it is also 100% true.  God is good – regardless of the outcome.  The outcome of the situation does not determine God’s goodness.  That is an absolute. God is good!

So, I went digging into the Bible because I wanted to see others in the Bible were afflicted.  I read the book of Job.  Then, I came upon this passage:

John 9:1 – 3 (GNB):  As Jesus was walking along, He saw a man who had been born blind.  His disciples asked Him, “Teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind?  Was it his own or his parents’ sin?” 

Jesus answered, “His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parents’ sins.  He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him."

I write all of this because, as you can imagine, I am an emotional wreck.  And, in all that, I still know "God is good!" And, when you look, you can see His work in every situation. 

Lord,

I love you so very much!  Thank you for helping me to always look for you in very situation. You never said life would be easy. You only said You would always be with us. I feel You here. I know You are with me and with all of us.  Regardless of my results, I know that You will continue to be with is - through every step of this journey. 

Amen!

Next Steps

So, I sit here tonight in bed, tired both physically and emotionally - but my mind is spinning.  It's spinning because tomorrow starts the next step in the process - a process that is 100% out of my control.  And, I know that God has this.  He already knows the outcome.  And, He is with me.

Tomorrow morning, I will meet with the oncologist to have the first surgery.  This surgery will determine what type of hysterectomy I need.  It's not a question of whether or not I need one - that is already guaranteed (and scheduled for September 30th).  This procedure will determine if that will be a simple or radical procedure.

I was watching In Touch with Dr. Charles Stanley this morning as he was finishing his message on "Turning Crisis into Opportunity."  Is that what this is?  Is this a crisis?

While my procedure is tomorrow, my plans are to get on a plane on Tuesday and fly to a meeting in North Carolina.  People think I am silly (or crazy, insane, etc.).

Is it that important?  Can it be cancelled?

The true answers to those questions are:  No, it is not that important and - Yes, it can be cancelled.

My question is - For what purpose?  To lie in bed and worry about something I have ZERO control over? 

When I have the 2nd surgery, I will need to take a few weeks off.  I will need to heal (both physically and emotionally).  And, I may need to deal with other "next steps."  Until then, I am moving on - business as usual.

Here's why... 

When I received my "diagnosis", I had some time to truly think about my life.  Believe me, when you get the diagnosis of cancer (no matter how early it is), you do see your life flash before you.  Everything stops.  People are talking but your brain cannot process anything for some time.  While that truly is probably only a few seconds, it feels like a lifetime.  After that, it's pretty much always on your mind.  No matter how hard you try to get it off your mind, it is always there.

So, I have had some time to think. 
 - Is this really what I want to be doing? 
 - Is this what God wants for my life?

What keeps coming to me is - YES! 

Several months ago, I did a session on my top 5 values (Achievement, Courage, Influence, Innovation & Joy - which is also Faith, but I had to choose one and my faith is what allows me to be joyful so there you have it :)).  When I look at what I get do to at work and the changes we are making, I am absolutely where I want to be.  And, I know that God is with me, preparing me for whatever His next plans are for me.  There is true clarity that I am where I am supposed to be.

In the program today, Dr. Stanley quoted this verse:
Romans 8:28 (GNB):  We know that in all things God works for good with those who love Him, those whom He has called according to His purpose.

This does not say that God does not allow bad / difficult things to happen.  It just says that God works for good with those who love Him.  He will see us through this.  Actually, He already is.

Here is my prayer for tonight:

Lord,

Please be with all those who are praying for me tonight.  Please let them feel Your love and know that You are in control of this.  Please be with the doctors tomorrow.  Please help them feel Your presence and find whatever they are to find.  And, Lord, please be with me through this.  Please continue to strengthen my faith in You and keep my focus on You.

Regardless of the results from tomorrow's procedure, I know that You are with me and You will see me (and my family) through the next steps.  You are always faithful.  You are always good.

Thank You for not letting me give up on this.  Thank You for helping the doctor find this so that we could catch it early.  Thank You for allowing us to already have three amazing little people in our home that bring us such joy and happiness.  Thank You for being there with us - today, tomorrow and always.

Amen!

Peace Beyond Understanding

I have often wondered about God's "Peace beyond Understanding."  There have been times where I thought I had felt that in my life, but I must admit, I have never felt it like I feel it now.

For the last several months, I haven't been feeling quite right.  I knew there was something going on in my body that wasn't right, but I couldn't figure it out.  I have been to several doctors with no answers...until this past Friday.

Before I get to my answer, here is a little history.  We are parents of three amazing children on Earth and two in Heaven.  The last child we lost was tough on both my husband and I, and we just knew that God was helping us to know that we weren't to have any more children.

A couple of months ago, I learned that I had already started into menopause (yes, at 37 - CRAZY).  So, that closed the door on more children and helped us to focus on the three amazing little babies we have already been blessed with on Earth.  We will see our other two when we get to the other side :).

So, I went in for another procedure early last week, got a call on Thursday to come into the doctor the next day, and on Friday I received this news:

They found cancer.  They believe they caught it early, but it's aggressive.  I need to meet with an oncologist to talk about my options - best option right now is a full hysterectomy.  If that happens, I should be cured...

The strange thing is, that Thursday night, I told my husband that is what was going to happen.  It was almost as if God was whispering it to me in my ear.  Calming me to let me know that "He's got this" before I even walked through the doors.  Helping me to prepare myself and my husband for the news that we inevitably received just 12 hours later. 

Philippians 4:6-7 (GNB):  Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking Him with a thankful heart.  And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.

When we left the office, my husband said - "so, I guess that is good news, right?"   God had helped me to prepare him so well, that he was already in a positive space.  He was focused on "caught early" "already have three amazing children" "hysterectomy should cure it."  I must admit, I wasn't there quite so quickly, but I did get there.

Here is what I know for sure - God has this!  He knew it was going to happen before I did.  He already knows the results.  And, He will see us through this. 

Lord,

I come to You today with thanks.  Thank You for preparing us for the news we received last week.  Thank You for Your Peace beyond Understanding.  We know that You have this covered.  You prepared us for the news.  You guided the doctor's hand to find what she needed to find.  And, You will be with the doctor this Friday to make the best decisions with the best outcomes.  And, if there is more to find, I ask you guide the doctor's hands to find anything else there so we can treat it early.

Lord, I do ask that You help me keep this with You.  When I put this back on my shoulders, I ask that You help me to give it back to You.  I know You are not asking me to do this on my own.  I am not strong enough to handle this.  However, (Philippians 4:13), I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.  I know You are with me, with us and with our providers.  Thank you.

Amen!

The Blessings

As I mentioned in my last post, there have been many blessings we have celebrated this summer.  One that consistently amazes me in the connection our oldest son has with God.  He loves to pray at night for people to get healthy, to get pregnant, to be well.

This year, we had four friends and family members hoping to get pregnant.  All four of them had been trying for a while and three of them had started talking with their providers about "other options" for conception.  I had told our son about these women, so he added them to his nightly prayer list.

Each night, he would say his prayers, and then ask God - if it was His will - to help these women have babies.  Why am I sharing this?

Because three of those women are pregnant (one already delivered)!

That is right, three of the four women got pregnant.  One delivered, one is due in September and the other in December. 

The woman due is December is his aunt.  We wanted her to share the news, so we called her via FaceTime to have her share the news with our son.  When she told him, his mouth dropped to the ground.  And then he said...

"I prayed for you. I prayed for that."

Tears came to all of our eyes to see the love that little guy has for God, and his whole-hearted belief that God answered his prayers.  And, I must fully admit that I believe that, too. 

We have had many other blessings this summer.  My husband and I were able to spend one week together celebrating our anniversary.  Soon thereafter, we spent one week with our extended family on a beach vacation in South Carolina.  We had fun with little league baseball and backyard soccer games.  We have been blessed with great friends and wonderful family.  And, we continue to watch our children grow and are blessed by each one of them.

Matthew 18:4-5 (GNB): The greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven is the one who humbles himself and becomes like this child.  And whoever welcomes in My Name one such child as this, welcomes Me.

Lord,

I come to you with great thanks today.  You have bestowed great blessings on our family.  We ask that You continue to help us keep our eyes open to not miss your great blessings.  We ask You continue to help us to see the joy, the love and the peace you share with us.  And, we ask that You help us to share these blessings so that others may see Your Greatness.

Amen