While to the outside world, I may not have been the nicest of people, on the inside, I was in my own personal Heaven! Have you ever seen the pregnant woman who cannot keep her hands off of her belly? She keeps rubbing it and rubbing it and you wonder how long is she going to keep doing that...
Hi! Nice to meet you!
I mean, seriously, after you wait for so long and try over and over and hear No after No, you start to question if it can happen. So, when it finally does, you want to cherish EVERY MOMENT!!!
Just my opinion, but I do believe that women who struggle (however long or hard that is) to get pregnant, they seem to more intently enjoy the blessing of being pregnant. Maybe not all the time. And, for those that really know me, I know I wasn't always singing God's praises for blessing us with this HUGE baby growing inside of me. But, more often than not, women who struggle seem to see God's hand a little more clearly when blessed with a child.
At least I did. I remember feeling like I could rub my belly and my child would feel my love. I would hold my stomach like I was holding my child. When I stood, I would sway back and forth to give the little one a swim :).
And I kept this up until I delivered.
Now, the title of this post is growing, growing, growing, oh my! for a reason. When we finally got pregnant, we didn't know if we would ever be blessed with more children. So, I thought the only thing to do was to make the most of this moment.
And, when I say make the most of the moment, I mean eat as much as I possibly could, try every sweet thing (which is funny because I normally would prefer chips and salsa over a dessert) and lay around and do nothing. And I mean NOTHING!
When I was nearing the end of the 40 weeks, it was the Christmas season. I remember walking through the mall and people would get out of my way because they thought I would go into labor at any second. See, pregnancy at Christmas has it's benefits!
And, when I say I was HUGE, that is an understatement! I know girls aren't supposed to talk about their weight, but...
When I got pregnant, as I mentioned, I was going to yoga several times per week. I was in the best shape of my life. I'm just shy of 5'8" and I was a lean & fit 145lbs. While I had weighed less in my life, I was never that fit.
Two days before I went into the hospital, I was topping the scales at a whopping 215lbs!!! Yes, that's right, I gained 70lbs. And, when you do the math, that's almost 9lbs per month. I mean really, what was I thinking???
And, there are probably women who gain that much weight who cannot control it for hormonal, physical, genetic reasons. Let me just say, that was NOT my issue. Ice cream, tootsie rolls, cookies, shakes, smoothies, anything sweet - that was my issue.
Please know - I do not condone my behavior. Especially now that I learn about all the challenges I could have been causing my child to have. Plus, since I failed my one hour sugar test, I needed to take the three hour test. I only truly passed one of those three hours. (not to mention the 5 hour test I failed 6 months after he was born because my body was not used to eating healthy foods anymore).
The other challenge with gaining that much weight, at least for me, is that I was helping my child grow, and grow, and grow, and grow. When he was born, he was 10lbs, 6ozs!!!
Thankfully, after several hours of pushing, my OB decided it was time for a c-section. While it wasn't my first choice (I went into the hospital wanting a natural birth - no drugs at all), it was still perfect. After the surgery, they wheel you into a room to let the anesthesia wear off. When I finally got to my room, the brought him immediately in, and I held him for the longest time. During those hours, I just looked at the amazing little creature God had blessed us with. He was perfect! Really, he was and is truly perfect.
See, what I have learned through that experience, and seeing our little baby continue to grow into a little guy, is that God didn't want us to just have any baby. He knew He had a plan for us. There was a special baby that He had planned as our 1st child. And, no other child would be that child that He was going to send.
God always has a plan. It is a perfect plan. We just need to trust it. When we do, we need to trust it with 100% of our being. We need to give it to Him and truly, fully let go. And, there are no guarantees. Even if it is what we want, and we want it so badly, it might not be in His plans. I know I felt that for a long time! And my long time was much shorter than many others long time. Many are still waiting and praying and hoping. Please know that God hears your heart! He hears your hopes and He hears your hurt! He is not ignoring you. He has a plan that is beyond anything our minds can think or our hearts can feel. And, He asks us to trust in Him and be patient...
Psalms 37:5-7 (GNB): Give yourself to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will help you; He will make your righteousness shine like the noonday sun. Be patient and wait for the Lord to act...
He has a plan. A better plan that we can imagine. He doesn't want to give any old blessing, He has a specific blessing, for each of us, and He is looking forward to giving it to us and watching our faces as we unwrap it. A very special, one of a kind, only for us present.
1 Corinthians 2:9 (GNB): However, as the scripture says: "What no one ever saw or heard, what no one ever thought could happen, is the very thing God prepared for those who love Him."
Beyond our thoughts, beyond our imagination, He has a plan. He has prepared an amazing gift for us. We just need to be patient, wait for it to come, and know that it might not be what we thought we wanted, but it will be perfect.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, June 24, 2013
Building Our Nest and Stepping on Others
What an amazing blessing ahead been given! While we had waited for a while, God had given us what we had been praying for. He blessed us with a child. So, we should have been sharing our thanks and love for The Lord. Well, I wasn't.
I know that it wasn't my intention, but I became a person that was anything but the Light of Christ. Before we were pregnant, I had a very specific role in my family. I was the peacemaker. I was the mediator. I tried to put myself in the other person's shoes and explain his/her side of the story. I wanted everyone to get along, almost at any expense.
Unfortunately, after I was pregnant, I didn't keep this up. The first challenge that brought on was that I wasn't helping the family stay together. And, I do wish that was the only consequence...
The real struggles began when I started speaking my own mind. I stopped trying to put myself in other's shoes, and started giving my opinions. And, if I felt like someone was hurtful or mean, I didn't forgive, I launched. As you can imagine, I caused a huge rift in the family. And, instead of recognizing this and apologizing, I became extremely self righteous.
Why is it always my job to be thoughtful of others? Why doesn't anyone ever take my thoughts & opinions into account? Why do I always have to be the one? Why me?
Here's why...because Jesus says so.
Matthew 17:21-22 (GNB): Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, if my brother keeps on sinning against me, how many times do I have to forgive him? Seven times?"
"No, not seven times," answered Jesus, "but seventy times seven..."
See, as children of Christ, we are asked to forgive, not once or twice, but always. Christ calls us to forgive, and to be His light in the world.
Matthew 5:14-16 (GNB): "You are like light for the whole world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a bowl; instead he puts it on the lampstand, where it gives light for everyone in the house. In the same way your light must shine before people, so that they will see the good things you do and praise your Father in heaven.
Instead of being that Light, I was self-righteous and indignant. I definitely was not the Light of Christ. I have no excuse for that, and I am sorry!
Here's the part I hope to share with others... When you are building your nest, try to not, inadvertently (or purposely) tear down others' nests. Be open to their thoughts and ideas. Understand that they have those for a reason. Try to listen to all of it and make your own choices. Listening doesn't mean following, it just means to listen and appreciate them for who they are and the thoughts they have.
And, for those who have been hurt, please know that it probably wasn't purposeful. People who finally conceive can be hormonal and emotional and, at times, irrational.
See, when God blessed us with our child, I felt like a mama bird needing to build our nest. And, I wanted that nest to be built by my husband and I with the purpose of growing and protecting our little egg. It wasn't personal; but, I am certain it came across that way. I felt like Christ had given my husband and I a blessing that we, he and I, needed to build and nurture. We needed to build our nest. And, thank you for your opinions (and that thank you was not sincere), but this is our blessing. See, very judgy.
I know I have apologized to so many about the way I acted back then. I write all of this knowing that God has given me the opportunity to see things, but maybe not all of the details, not all of the hurt, not all of the words. I only hope that through this post others may not step through, or in, all I did. I pray this helps others either avoid it altogether, or at least to make those steps much more bearable than I did.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
The Call
So, as many going through fertility issues can likely relate, after so many No's, you might not want to experience this together. And, as the wife, I had to be the one to pee on the stick, so I had to be a part of it. But, my husband didn't.
For the past three months, I was still buying tests and peeing on sticks, but I wasn't bothering him with the process. He would know, soon enough, that we weren't expecting as I would ask him to run by the pharmacy and pick up my "monthly supplies." That seemed to be enough for him. Less drama.
So, I'm in my bathroom, waiting for the test, truly understanding the saying that "A watched pot never boils" because that was really a long few minutes.
Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...
And then, my cell phone rang. I looked down to see that it was my husband.
And then, the test produced a result... Where's the NOT? It usually says NOT. What does this mean? Why am I alone?
Oh wait, I'm not alone. Pick up the phone!!!
When I answered the phone, I was already crying. I think it took under 1 second for all of that to happen, and I was sobbing crying. Of course, my husband didn't know why I was crying. He was calling to see how my Yoga class was, what the plans were for the night, and would I mind if he went and shot a round of golf.
"Why are you crying? Did something happen? Talk to me? I can't understand you."
I'm pregnant. We're pregnant. We're going to have a baby.
There was silence, for what felt like an hour, although it was probably only seconds. And then, my husband who always has the right words, at the right time said,
"So, was that a 'No' to the golf?"
While he says he was kidding, I don't think he was. And, while I had hoped, after all this time of trying, that I could have told him in a much for fun and exciting way. It was perfect.
What I missed for a very long time is that God made sure that he was there when I saw the test. While he wasn't there in person; he was there, on the phone, getting the full reaction.
He came straight home and we looked at the test for a while. Then, he asked if I should take another one.
If you are taking an early pregnancy test because you "feel" like you might be pregnant, please look at the box and the instructions so you don't go through what we went through.
I said - sure, let's take another one. That will be fun...or, so I thought.
Since we were a few days early, and I had just taken one test about 20 minutes before. So, when I took the second test, I saw "Not Pregnant"! What??? Why is this happening??? We were so happy! Does this mean we aren't pregnant? Which on is right, which one is wrong??
Get me that BOX!!!!
Then, I read the instructions. From what I remember, it said something like...
If you are taking this test prior to the expected start of your cycle, take first of the morning, if possible. If not, wait at least four hours.
I had waited about 30 minutes. So, I trusted the first test. But, I went to the pharmacy and bought a box of three more tests, just to be sure...
As you can see, I still wasn't 100% on the path. I knew that God wanted me to put all of my trust in Him. And, while I did trust Him, I still held on. I didn't give over 100% control. I still felt like I needed to keep some of it. But that is not what the Lord asks us to do. It's not what He wants us to do.
Jeremiah 17:7-8 (GNB): "But I will bless those who put their trust in me. They are like trees growing near a stream and sending out roots to the water. They are not afraid when hot weather comes, because their leaves stay green; they have no worries when there is no rain; they keep bearing fruit."
He wants all of us. 100% of us. Not just us in church or in school or during prayer. I guess I hadn't figured that part out yet.
For the past three months, I was still buying tests and peeing on sticks, but I wasn't bothering him with the process. He would know, soon enough, that we weren't expecting as I would ask him to run by the pharmacy and pick up my "monthly supplies." That seemed to be enough for him. Less drama.
So, I'm in my bathroom, waiting for the test, truly understanding the saying that "A watched pot never boils" because that was really a long few minutes.
Waiting... Waiting... Waiting...
And then, my cell phone rang. I looked down to see that it was my husband.
And then, the test produced a result... Where's the NOT? It usually says NOT. What does this mean? Why am I alone?
Oh wait, I'm not alone. Pick up the phone!!!
When I answered the phone, I was already crying. I think it took under 1 second for all of that to happen, and I was sobbing crying. Of course, my husband didn't know why I was crying. He was calling to see how my Yoga class was, what the plans were for the night, and would I mind if he went and shot a round of golf.
"Why are you crying? Did something happen? Talk to me? I can't understand you."
I'm pregnant. We're pregnant. We're going to have a baby.
There was silence, for what felt like an hour, although it was probably only seconds. And then, my husband who always has the right words, at the right time said,
"So, was that a 'No' to the golf?"
While he says he was kidding, I don't think he was. And, while I had hoped, after all this time of trying, that I could have told him in a much for fun and exciting way. It was perfect.
What I missed for a very long time is that God made sure that he was there when I saw the test. While he wasn't there in person; he was there, on the phone, getting the full reaction.
He came straight home and we looked at the test for a while. Then, he asked if I should take another one.
If you are taking an early pregnancy test because you "feel" like you might be pregnant, please look at the box and the instructions so you don't go through what we went through.
I said - sure, let's take another one. That will be fun...or, so I thought.
Since we were a few days early, and I had just taken one test about 20 minutes before. So, when I took the second test, I saw "Not Pregnant"! What??? Why is this happening??? We were so happy! Does this mean we aren't pregnant? Which on is right, which one is wrong??
Get me that BOX!!!!
Then, I read the instructions. From what I remember, it said something like...
If you are taking this test prior to the expected start of your cycle, take first of the morning, if possible. If not, wait at least four hours.
I had waited about 30 minutes. So, I trusted the first test. But, I went to the pharmacy and bought a box of three more tests, just to be sure...
As you can see, I still wasn't 100% on the path. I knew that God wanted me to put all of my trust in Him. And, while I did trust Him, I still held on. I didn't give over 100% control. I still felt like I needed to keep some of it. But that is not what the Lord asks us to do. It's not what He wants us to do.
Jeremiah 17:7-8 (GNB): "But I will bless those who put their trust in me. They are like trees growing near a stream and sending out roots to the water. They are not afraid when hot weather comes, because their leaves stay green; they have no worries when there is no rain; they keep bearing fruit."
He wants all of us. 100% of us. Not just us in church or in school or during prayer. I guess I hadn't figured that part out yet.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
The Calm...
It's mid-January 2007, and I was off the roller coaster. If you have gone through infertility, you know what I am talking about. It's all about dates, ordering shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, pills, "Not Pregnant" tests. Sadness... Starting again... When do I make my next appointment? When will the roller coaster start again? More importantly, when will it stop? When will I not see the "Not"?
So, I got off. I had my procedure, we had our talk, I blew up, and then...quiet.
I had a girlfriend who was married just before we were. Literally, about three months before us. This was the year of our 5 year anniversary. This isn't what we thought we would be doing 5 years later...
She and I started going to Yoga classes. Well, if we weren't going to get pregnant, the least we could do was look good, right???
See, if you never have gone through infertility, you probably don't know what we go through. We stop everything like we are pregnant - no alcohol, no caffeine, no bars (because we don't even want to be around smoke), reduce stress, reduce high-impact sports, etc. You act like your pregnant, even though you aren't. Which, is part of the difficulty when you find out you aren't pregnant...you feel like you did all of that for nothing.
So, in January, 2007, I gave all of that up. I started drinking coffee and diet soda again. We would go out with friends, even to bars. That was okay. We were over 21. And, even though we didn't smoke cigarettes, I didn't object to being around those who did.
I truly felt like, if this was God's plan, I needed to give it to Him. I had heard of "Let God, Let Go," but I didn't quite understand it. This time, I truly tried to let go.
So, like I said, we started Yoga. We tried various classes - some easier than others. I had started to go about 3 times per week. And, what I learned there was truly letting go. At first, I was concerned that I was a Christian, and I thought that Yoga was part of a very different religion with different beliefs. What I loved about the studio that we joined was that it was very open to all beliefs. Which, is probably part of most / all Yoga studios, but I can't comment on all. What our studio used as a definition to Namaste was "the light in me acknowledges the light in you."
I took that as "the [Holy] Spirit in me acknowledges the [Holy] Spirit in you." So, I still took many of the moments to be Christian moments. Because, there, is where i truly felt the first moments of my first true connections with God. We had these moments where we would lay in corpse pose (savasana) and just be. The instructor would lead us through breathing techniques where we were to totally let go.
Let me just say this...for a woman who felt like all of my life was in my control, this was anything but easy. I fought against it for many weeks. Until, I got tired of fighting. I was tired of pushing. So, I let go. I gave it to God and let go.
Amazing things started to happen. One, I forgot about what week it was in my cycle. Two, I started to truly love myself, which also helped me love my husband more, too. And, I was able to truly appreciate all that surrounded me. I was less focused on me, and more on everyone and everything else.
I can't say that everyone will have my same experience with Yoga, but I will say this. If you are willing to let go...truly let go...you might find a peace that you have never experienced before. I will say that not only did I find that peace, but I started to lose weight, feel more comfortable in my body, and more comfortable in my being. I loved myself more which allowed me to be more open to love others more.
I remember my last yoga class with my girlfriend. It was a Saturday at the end of April, 2007. We finished a very aerobic Yoga class (ashtanga), and I was a little more tired than usual. We were talking about possibly going out that night with our husbands. I said that I wasn't feeling great, but it was before noon, so hopefully I would feel better by the evening.
I clearly remember us leaning against our cars and saying..."I think I need to buy a pregnancy test" and we both about fell over laughing. After 26 months of "Not Pregnant" test results, what else were we to do. It was almost like Sarah listening to God talk to Abraham announcing that she would bear a child. What? At her old age? That was impossible...
And just as impossible was the thought that we could be pregnant... Hadn't God proven that we weren't to be parents. Wasn't 26 tests of "Not Pregnant" enough. Didn't I know better.
So, we laughed. But, I was still hopeful. Even after 26 "No's" I was still hopeful. So, I went to the pharmacy, bought a box of three tests and went home. God gave Abraham and Sarah a child when they were both in their 90's. God can move mountains. God can do anything...
I remember, like it was yesterday, sitting in the bathroom, saying this to God...
"God, if it is your will, please let us be pregnant. Please bless us with the son or daughter of Your plans. If not, please let my heart be still. I believe in You; I believe in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord. And, if this is not Your will or Your plan, again, please let my heart be still. Please give me the peace beyond understanding I have read about. I need that peace. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."
I remember that prayer, because I prayed that same prayer 26 times before. And, each of those 26 times, I saw "Not Pregnant."
So, I took the test, and sat there...alone...in our bathroom...for the 27th time...expecting to see "Not Pregnant." But, this time, for some reason, I was more at peace.
I had found myself over the past three months. My husband and I were closer than ever. I was getting healthier physically, mentally and emotionally. Our marriage had never been stronger. So, whatever the result, I would be ready. I believed I was ready to see the "Not Pregnant" result again...for the 27th time...and still not give up. I knew God was with us. I knew He believed in us and we believed in Him. It was His plan. And, His plan was so much better than either of us could ever imagine.
So, I sat...and I waited...the longest three minutes that any woman hoping to be pregnant waits...each month...over and over again...the three minutes each month we all dread.
But, this time, I wasn't dreading the result. I was hopeful, but realistic. God has given me an amazing husband, a wonderful marriage, and a lot of personal reasons to be proud. If children aren't in His cards for us, I need to be okay with that. He still loves us. He still has plans for us, and for me. So, whatever the result, Lord, I'm with You on this. Even for the 27th "not".
And then...quiet...
So, I got off. I had my procedure, we had our talk, I blew up, and then...quiet.
I had a girlfriend who was married just before we were. Literally, about three months before us. This was the year of our 5 year anniversary. This isn't what we thought we would be doing 5 years later...
She and I started going to Yoga classes. Well, if we weren't going to get pregnant, the least we could do was look good, right???
See, if you never have gone through infertility, you probably don't know what we go through. We stop everything like we are pregnant - no alcohol, no caffeine, no bars (because we don't even want to be around smoke), reduce stress, reduce high-impact sports, etc. You act like your pregnant, even though you aren't. Which, is part of the difficulty when you find out you aren't pregnant...you feel like you did all of that for nothing.
So, in January, 2007, I gave all of that up. I started drinking coffee and diet soda again. We would go out with friends, even to bars. That was okay. We were over 21. And, even though we didn't smoke cigarettes, I didn't object to being around those who did.
I truly felt like, if this was God's plan, I needed to give it to Him. I had heard of "Let God, Let Go," but I didn't quite understand it. This time, I truly tried to let go.
So, like I said, we started Yoga. We tried various classes - some easier than others. I had started to go about 3 times per week. And, what I learned there was truly letting go. At first, I was concerned that I was a Christian, and I thought that Yoga was part of a very different religion with different beliefs. What I loved about the studio that we joined was that it was very open to all beliefs. Which, is probably part of most / all Yoga studios, but I can't comment on all. What our studio used as a definition to Namaste was "the light in me acknowledges the light in you."
I took that as "the [Holy] Spirit in me acknowledges the [Holy] Spirit in you." So, I still took many of the moments to be Christian moments. Because, there, is where i truly felt the first moments of my first true connections with God. We had these moments where we would lay in corpse pose (savasana) and just be. The instructor would lead us through breathing techniques where we were to totally let go.
Let me just say this...for a woman who felt like all of my life was in my control, this was anything but easy. I fought against it for many weeks. Until, I got tired of fighting. I was tired of pushing. So, I let go. I gave it to God and let go.
Amazing things started to happen. One, I forgot about what week it was in my cycle. Two, I started to truly love myself, which also helped me love my husband more, too. And, I was able to truly appreciate all that surrounded me. I was less focused on me, and more on everyone and everything else.
I can't say that everyone will have my same experience with Yoga, but I will say this. If you are willing to let go...truly let go...you might find a peace that you have never experienced before. I will say that not only did I find that peace, but I started to lose weight, feel more comfortable in my body, and more comfortable in my being. I loved myself more which allowed me to be more open to love others more.
I remember my last yoga class with my girlfriend. It was a Saturday at the end of April, 2007. We finished a very aerobic Yoga class (ashtanga), and I was a little more tired than usual. We were talking about possibly going out that night with our husbands. I said that I wasn't feeling great, but it was before noon, so hopefully I would feel better by the evening.
I clearly remember us leaning against our cars and saying..."I think I need to buy a pregnancy test" and we both about fell over laughing. After 26 months of "Not Pregnant" test results, what else were we to do. It was almost like Sarah listening to God talk to Abraham announcing that she would bear a child. What? At her old age? That was impossible...
And just as impossible was the thought that we could be pregnant... Hadn't God proven that we weren't to be parents. Wasn't 26 tests of "Not Pregnant" enough. Didn't I know better.
So, we laughed. But, I was still hopeful. Even after 26 "No's" I was still hopeful. So, I went to the pharmacy, bought a box of three tests and went home. God gave Abraham and Sarah a child when they were both in their 90's. God can move mountains. God can do anything...
I remember, like it was yesterday, sitting in the bathroom, saying this to God...
"God, if it is your will, please let us be pregnant. Please bless us with the son or daughter of Your plans. If not, please let my heart be still. I believe in You; I believe in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord. And, if this is not Your will or Your plan, again, please let my heart be still. Please give me the peace beyond understanding I have read about. I need that peace. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."
I remember that prayer, because I prayed that same prayer 26 times before. And, each of those 26 times, I saw "Not Pregnant."
So, I took the test, and sat there...alone...in our bathroom...for the 27th time...expecting to see "Not Pregnant." But, this time, for some reason, I was more at peace.
I had found myself over the past three months. My husband and I were closer than ever. I was getting healthier physically, mentally and emotionally. Our marriage had never been stronger. So, whatever the result, I would be ready. I believed I was ready to see the "Not Pregnant" result again...for the 27th time...and still not give up. I knew God was with us. I knew He believed in us and we believed in Him. It was His plan. And, His plan was so much better than either of us could ever imagine.
So, I sat...and I waited...the longest three minutes that any woman hoping to be pregnant waits...each month...over and over again...the three minutes each month we all dread.
But, this time, I wasn't dreading the result. I was hopeful, but realistic. God has given me an amazing husband, a wonderful marriage, and a lot of personal reasons to be proud. If children aren't in His cards for us, I need to be okay with that. He still loves us. He still has plans for us, and for me. So, whatever the result, Lord, I'm with You on this. Even for the 27th "not".
And then...quiet...
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Storm on the Horizon...
After the "procedure", we went on with our lives as normally as possible. We got through the holidays, spending time with that gorgeous little one. Her first Christmas. Would we ever see that? Our little one's first Christmas? First word? First steps? First anything?
Peace... Peace... Peace... Not finding any peace here. God, where are you?
I know He was there, but I really wasn't looking for Him. I was relying on myself to get through this time. What was I thinking???
Just after the New Year, my husband and I were talking about all that had happened. He told me that he would have liked us to talk more before the "procedure." He really wanted a family, and that decision wasn't just my own to make. I could see the hurt in his eyes when he spoke. So, I did what any other woman would do...I told him that I knew he deserved a family, and maybe we weren't meant to be together.
WHAT??? What just came out of my mouth? Did I really just say that? Please, let me take those words back. Please. Where is the rewind button? How can I erase those words?
My husband is a much better person than I. Had he said that to me, I am not sure what I would have said. But, here is what he said.
Honey, I love you. I married you. And, I don't want to be with anyone but you. I also want a family...with you. Stop pushing me away and let's talk about this.
Seriously...He is an amazing man. So many other men would have taken the opportunity to run. He took the opportunity to console me. Much better person than me.
So, where's the storm??? Well, that comes in a few days later when he and I were talking, and I found out he was talking to someone close to us about what he wanted, that he wanted us to go through IVF, and she didn't understand why I didn't want to go through it. So, I knew her thoughts, but up to now, we didn't talk about them. Up to now...
Yep. We were all together, and she very clearly articulated that she didn't understand why I didn't want to give my husband a child. He was meant to be a father. Why wouldn't I do EVERYTHING I could to become a mother? I kept saying I wanted to be a mother, right???
And, while I truly don't believe these words ever came out of her mouth in this way, what I heard was "How could you be so selfish?"
KABOOM! And the storm rolled in!!
Selfish? Me, selfish? Didn't I just go through 2 years of trying to get pregnant? Didn't I go through multiple doctor visits each month, pills, shots, blood draws, etc.? How am I being selfish? And, no offense, but this is between my husband and I. I know you care about us, but seriously, stay out of this!
And, if it stopped there, it would have been bad enough, but bad goes to worse with...
And, you call yourself a Christian?? Really? What does God think about IVF? Don't you think if God wanted us to be a family, He would make that happen? It is OBVIOUS that He doesn't want Us to get pregnant.
Who did I think I was? Was I the authority on what God thinks? Seriously? I was still open to IVF in the future. But, I wasn't thinking clearly at this point. And, I definitely wasn't thinking before I spoke.
Crash, Boom, Bang!
This conversation didn't start well, and as you can imagine, didn't end well. Now, hindsight being 20/20, I know that this person was truly trying to speak for my husband because he wasn't doing much speaking for himself. He was hurting, but because he knew I was hurting too, he didn't want to add any additional pressure on me. He didn't want to tell me how he felt because he knew how I felt. This person was just trying to show me the other side to my decision. Again, MY DECISION.
But, it's hindsight that's 20/20, not foresight and not my current vision (which is literally terrible!). So, this storm brewed for several weeks / months. We didn't speak much. We didn't see each other much. I spent most of my time at work, with my family or with our friends. My husband and I didn't talk about it. And, I was steaming mad...
If I were to go back and change anything, I would have talked more with my husband. One, because he deserved more than I gave him. Second, so that this wonderful person didn't have to feel my wrath. I would have listened much more to understand his side. If he didn't want to talk to me, I would have understood that these words were being said in love, and not in judgment.
Sadly, I can see this all very clearly now. I can see it, but I am still too much of a coward to say I am sorry to the person who was trying to help. She and I are much closer now, and I only hope she knows how much I love her for what she tried to do, and all she does. I am so very sorry for not opening my eyes or my heart to her words. I know she was trying to be helpful, and I was a complete jerk!
One thing I know for sure, I will need to account for the words I have spoken:
Matthew 12:36-37 (GNB): You can be sure that on Judgment Day everyone will have to give account of every useless word he has ever spoken. Your words will be used to judge you - to declare you either innocent or guilty.
I pray that I will have the courage to one day say how sorry I am for the pain I caused.
I also wish that was the only time someone dealt with my wrath... Unfortunately, there are many more storms ahead...
Peace... Peace... Peace... Not finding any peace here. God, where are you?
I know He was there, but I really wasn't looking for Him. I was relying on myself to get through this time. What was I thinking???
Just after the New Year, my husband and I were talking about all that had happened. He told me that he would have liked us to talk more before the "procedure." He really wanted a family, and that decision wasn't just my own to make. I could see the hurt in his eyes when he spoke. So, I did what any other woman would do...I told him that I knew he deserved a family, and maybe we weren't meant to be together.
WHAT??? What just came out of my mouth? Did I really just say that? Please, let me take those words back. Please. Where is the rewind button? How can I erase those words?
My husband is a much better person than I. Had he said that to me, I am not sure what I would have said. But, here is what he said.
Honey, I love you. I married you. And, I don't want to be with anyone but you. I also want a family...with you. Stop pushing me away and let's talk about this.
Seriously...He is an amazing man. So many other men would have taken the opportunity to run. He took the opportunity to console me. Much better person than me.
So, where's the storm??? Well, that comes in a few days later when he and I were talking, and I found out he was talking to someone close to us about what he wanted, that he wanted us to go through IVF, and she didn't understand why I didn't want to go through it. So, I knew her thoughts, but up to now, we didn't talk about them. Up to now...
Yep. We were all together, and she very clearly articulated that she didn't understand why I didn't want to give my husband a child. He was meant to be a father. Why wouldn't I do EVERYTHING I could to become a mother? I kept saying I wanted to be a mother, right???
And, while I truly don't believe these words ever came out of her mouth in this way, what I heard was "How could you be so selfish?"
KABOOM! And the storm rolled in!!
Selfish? Me, selfish? Didn't I just go through 2 years of trying to get pregnant? Didn't I go through multiple doctor visits each month, pills, shots, blood draws, etc.? How am I being selfish? And, no offense, but this is between my husband and I. I know you care about us, but seriously, stay out of this!
And, if it stopped there, it would have been bad enough, but bad goes to worse with...
And, you call yourself a Christian?? Really? What does God think about IVF? Don't you think if God wanted us to be a family, He would make that happen? It is OBVIOUS that He doesn't want Us to get pregnant.
Who did I think I was? Was I the authority on what God thinks? Seriously? I was still open to IVF in the future. But, I wasn't thinking clearly at this point. And, I definitely wasn't thinking before I spoke.
Crash, Boom, Bang!
This conversation didn't start well, and as you can imagine, didn't end well. Now, hindsight being 20/20, I know that this person was truly trying to speak for my husband because he wasn't doing much speaking for himself. He was hurting, but because he knew I was hurting too, he didn't want to add any additional pressure on me. He didn't want to tell me how he felt because he knew how I felt. This person was just trying to show me the other side to my decision. Again, MY DECISION.
But, it's hindsight that's 20/20, not foresight and not my current vision (which is literally terrible!). So, this storm brewed for several weeks / months. We didn't speak much. We didn't see each other much. I spent most of my time at work, with my family or with our friends. My husband and I didn't talk about it. And, I was steaming mad...
If I were to go back and change anything, I would have talked more with my husband. One, because he deserved more than I gave him. Second, so that this wonderful person didn't have to feel my wrath. I would have listened much more to understand his side. If he didn't want to talk to me, I would have understood that these words were being said in love, and not in judgment.
Sadly, I can see this all very clearly now. I can see it, but I am still too much of a coward to say I am sorry to the person who was trying to help. She and I are much closer now, and I only hope she knows how much I love her for what she tried to do, and all she does. I am so very sorry for not opening my eyes or my heart to her words. I know she was trying to be helpful, and I was a complete jerk!
One thing I know for sure, I will need to account for the words I have spoken:
Matthew 12:36-37 (GNB): You can be sure that on Judgment Day everyone will have to give account of every useless word he has ever spoken. Your words will be used to judge you - to declare you either innocent or guilty.
I pray that I will have the courage to one day say how sorry I am for the pain I caused.
I also wish that was the only time someone dealt with my wrath... Unfortunately, there are many more storms ahead...
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Fertilization: IVF or No IVF
It was late 2006, our friends welcomed in their baby girl, and I boycotted my 30th birthday. Since 2005, we had failed 1 year of trying naturally, 4 attempts with Clomid and 4 IUI attempts. It's mid-November 2006, and our specialist is recommending IVF as our next step. And, I am miserable.
This is the next step, right? This is what we are supposed to do, right? What is our other options - no family?
Instead of praying, I jumped onto the Internet because Google Knows EVERYTHING!! I read all I could about IVF, the process, the success rates, the drawbacks. I tried to get my head around what that would mean.
After a few days, I still wasn't settled on a decision, and I wanted to know what else I could do. So, back to the Internet I went. What are my other options?
My true "diagnosis" was Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). In my non-medical / non-technical terms, that means that my body produces too much testosterone and doesn't handle insulin well. If you are a medical person, or someone with a good Internet connection, you either know or can look up the full details. That is what I got out of it.
Based on my Internet search, I did have another "medical" option - Ovarian Drilling.
Now, that might sound barbaric - at least it did to me at first. But, I thought it was worth a shot. Basically, again in my own words, it was an outpatient procedure where the specialist would cut a few holes in my stomach and use a tool to put a few holes in each ovary. That would allow more eggs to have the potential for natural fertilization each month. Drawbacks, I could go into menopause earlier than I would naturally.
So, I made a follow-up appointment with my specialist and told him I had made the decision to not go through IVF, but to try this first.
I say that I told him and my decision because I truly made these decisions on my own. My husband and I were not talking much about babies anymore. We were tired. We were worn out. And, we needed a break from all of this.
After that appointment, I told my husband my decision. He didn't have much to say. While he said he supported my decision, I know it wasn't what he would have chosen. And, if you know him, you know that he was MEANT to be a dad. My decision might have closed that door. Or, at least that door with me.
In mid-December 2006, he brought me to the hospital for my procedure. When I was released, we drove home...quietly.
I wish I could say that I was comfortable and confident in my decision. I wasn't. Not at all! I was a mess. And, I also felt very alone.
I remembered a verse from the Bible, so I looked it up, and finally got back to my knees and prayed:
Philippians 4:7 (GNB): And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.
Please God, I pray for peace beyond understanding - for me, and for my family! Right now, I have no peace. And, I feel a storm on the horizon...
Quick side note (maybe not so quick) - Please know that I am so very thankful that IVF is an option for women. And, while I didn't (and I do mean I didn't) choose it for our family as an initial option, it was always a possible option. I talked to several friends who had gone through IVF successfully, and some not so successfully. There were a lot of things I had never thought about before these discussions - extra embryos, storage, embryo adoptions, etc. It was a lot to think about. I wasn't ready, at this time, to make that choice. So, I chose another option.
I believe God is part of every child that is born. We are all God's children! Regardless of how we were formed, He helped us grow and develop. He supported our parents through the process. And, He brought us into this world.
This is the next step, right? This is what we are supposed to do, right? What is our other options - no family?
Instead of praying, I jumped onto the Internet because Google Knows EVERYTHING!! I read all I could about IVF, the process, the success rates, the drawbacks. I tried to get my head around what that would mean.
After a few days, I still wasn't settled on a decision, and I wanted to know what else I could do. So, back to the Internet I went. What are my other options?
My true "diagnosis" was Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). In my non-medical / non-technical terms, that means that my body produces too much testosterone and doesn't handle insulin well. If you are a medical person, or someone with a good Internet connection, you either know or can look up the full details. That is what I got out of it.
Based on my Internet search, I did have another "medical" option - Ovarian Drilling.
Now, that might sound barbaric - at least it did to me at first. But, I thought it was worth a shot. Basically, again in my own words, it was an outpatient procedure where the specialist would cut a few holes in my stomach and use a tool to put a few holes in each ovary. That would allow more eggs to have the potential for natural fertilization each month. Drawbacks, I could go into menopause earlier than I would naturally.
So, I made a follow-up appointment with my specialist and told him I had made the decision to not go through IVF, but to try this first.
I say that I told him and my decision because I truly made these decisions on my own. My husband and I were not talking much about babies anymore. We were tired. We were worn out. And, we needed a break from all of this.
After that appointment, I told my husband my decision. He didn't have much to say. While he said he supported my decision, I know it wasn't what he would have chosen. And, if you know him, you know that he was MEANT to be a dad. My decision might have closed that door. Or, at least that door with me.
In mid-December 2006, he brought me to the hospital for my procedure. When I was released, we drove home...quietly.
I wish I could say that I was comfortable and confident in my decision. I wasn't. Not at all! I was a mess. And, I also felt very alone.
I remembered a verse from the Bible, so I looked it up, and finally got back to my knees and prayed:
Philippians 4:7 (GNB): And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.
Please God, I pray for peace beyond understanding - for me, and for my family! Right now, I have no peace. And, I feel a storm on the horizon...
Quick side note (maybe not so quick) - Please know that I am so very thankful that IVF is an option for women. And, while I didn't (and I do mean I didn't) choose it for our family as an initial option, it was always a possible option. I talked to several friends who had gone through IVF successfully, and some not so successfully. There were a lot of things I had never thought about before these discussions - extra embryos, storage, embryo adoptions, etc. It was a lot to think about. I wasn't ready, at this time, to make that choice. So, I chose another option.
I believe God is part of every child that is born. We are all God's children! Regardless of how we were formed, He helped us grow and develop. He supported our parents through the process. And, He brought us into this world.
Monday, June 17, 2013
So Many Bumps in the Road!
Did you ever notice that when you want something, really want something, all you see is others that have exactly what you want?? I mean, seriously, when you want to get married, everyone is getting married. When you are thinking about losing weight, everyone around you is skinny. When you want a new car, everyone else is driving new cars. And, when you want a baby, everyone you know is expecting.
Yes, that happened to us, too. There were so many people around us getting pregnant. And, while we were so happy for them, it was always a little painful for us. We would wonder if we would ever be the ones to get pregnant. Would we ever have people happy for us? Would we ever be the ones the baby shower was for? And, if I am being totally honest, there was a part of me that truly wondered, if I couldn't get pregnant, would my husband leave me?
You can call it hormones; you can call it whatever you want. Watching others get their gifts from God made me wonder if I would lose mine...my husband. I just knew he would make a great father, and if I couldn't give him a child, well, someone needed to. So, I did think about that...a lot.
I know we talked about it back then, but I still don't know if he truly knew how much I thought about this...
Let me take you back.. It was mid 2006. We had been trying for 1 year on our own, failed four Clomid attempts, and waiting to meet our specialist. We were talking about what we would do, when a person very close to us "broke the news" that they were expecting. Let me add one more layer...they had just started dating several months before and weren't "trying" to get pregnant. When they announced it, they didn't give us any warning. They told us in front of others, so it took us some time to digest the news. It took all of us some time to digest the news. And, while everyone was taking it in, I stood up, gave them a hug, and congratulated them.
When I sat back down, I was proud of my reaction, but seriously fearing the worst for what I was hoping would be my family. And, I know, that announcement had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! But, in my mind, it did. My husband was going to get to see a little baby. He was going to see someone else starting a family. And, when he saw that, he was going to see how much he wanted that family. And I couldn't give it to him.
So, that's another reason why I went to see the priest. I needed to find out what my options were. If I couldn't give him a family, a family that he so truly deserved, could I give him a way out? Could I let him go to start a family with someone else, someone who was able? If I wasn't able, what were my options? Truly, what were his options?
I'm not the only crazy, hormonal, woman to think things like this.
Genesis 16:1-2 (GNB): Abram's wife Sarai had not borne him any children. But she had an Egyptian slave woman named Hagar, and so she said to Abram, "The Lord has kept me from having children. Why don't you sleep with my slave? Perhaps she can have a child for me." Abram agreed with what Sarai said.
Yes, that happened to us, too. There were so many people around us getting pregnant. And, while we were so happy for them, it was always a little painful for us. We would wonder if we would ever be the ones to get pregnant. Would we ever have people happy for us? Would we ever be the ones the baby shower was for? And, if I am being totally honest, there was a part of me that truly wondered, if I couldn't get pregnant, would my husband leave me?
You can call it hormones; you can call it whatever you want. Watching others get their gifts from God made me wonder if I would lose mine...my husband. I just knew he would make a great father, and if I couldn't give him a child, well, someone needed to. So, I did think about that...a lot.
I know we talked about it back then, but I still don't know if he truly knew how much I thought about this...
Let me take you back.. It was mid 2006. We had been trying for 1 year on our own, failed four Clomid attempts, and waiting to meet our specialist. We were talking about what we would do, when a person very close to us "broke the news" that they were expecting. Let me add one more layer...they had just started dating several months before and weren't "trying" to get pregnant. When they announced it, they didn't give us any warning. They told us in front of others, so it took us some time to digest the news. It took all of us some time to digest the news. And, while everyone was taking it in, I stood up, gave them a hug, and congratulated them.
When I sat back down, I was proud of my reaction, but seriously fearing the worst for what I was hoping would be my family. And, I know, that announcement had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! But, in my mind, it did. My husband was going to get to see a little baby. He was going to see someone else starting a family. And, when he saw that, he was going to see how much he wanted that family. And I couldn't give it to him.
So, that's another reason why I went to see the priest. I needed to find out what my options were. If I couldn't give him a family, a family that he so truly deserved, could I give him a way out? Could I let him go to start a family with someone else, someone who was able? If I wasn't able, what were my options? Truly, what were his options?
I'm not the only crazy, hormonal, woman to think things like this.
Genesis 16:1-2 (GNB): Abram's wife Sarai had not borne him any children. But she had an Egyptian slave woman named Hagar, and so she said to Abram, "The Lord has kept me from having children. Why don't you sleep with my slave? Perhaps she can have a child for me." Abram agreed with what Sarai said.
Digging Into My Diagnosis
Before I move on, I thought it might be helpful to share a little more about what we did, how we got to the specialist, etc. So, let's dig in...
After four months of failed attempts with Clomid, my OB recommended seeking support from a fertility specialist because most women would have gotten pregnant within the first few tries. Trying again was an option, but if it didn't work the first four times, it's less likely it would have been successful in future attempts.
I took her advice and met with the fertility specialist. After our first conversation, I was very impressed by him. We talked about our potential options, but he wanted to do some "diagnostics" first (my word, not his). Within a week or so, I was undergoing a HSG (hysterosalpingogram). From what I remember, the purpose of this test was to ensure that my parts were all working correctly. And, I think I tried to forget much of this test because it was a little uncomfortable. Again, in my words and based on my memory, he "shot" dye up through my fallopian tubes to ensure that the sperm & eggs had a clear path to meet. Thankfully, that test came back normal.
The next step was testing my husband - which he was none too excited about! He had to "provide a sample" in a small jar and get it to the office within a certain amount of time for them to be able to check his "sample." They were looking for number, motility, head shape, etc. And, that is where my husband was told that he was SUPERMAN! I guess the test wasn't that bad after all - I mean, come on, who doesn't want to be called SUPERMAN. I'll tell you who doesn't want to hear it - the wife who now knows that it is all her fault!
Based on the HSG and my husband's results, we were supposedly good candidates for the IUI. Knock, Knock, Knock.
Before I was ready to take that step, I decided it was time to talk to our priest. This was the priest who married us, so I had gotten to know him during that process. I really liked him, and was looking for some advice. Was this really what I was supposed to do? What would God think about this? Isn't He supposed to have some say in our "family planning"?
I took this step by myself. I didn't want my husband to know that I was going, because I knew he really wanted to start a family. I felt like a total disappointment. What if I can't get pregnant? What if the priest says I shouldn't do this? What if???
In talking with our priest, he was very comforting and prayed with me. He was grateful that I was being thoughtful through the process, but didn't truly have much advice. This was a discussion I needed to have with God. I'm so thankful for that time with our priest because he helped me to walk on my journey. There wasn't a shortcut. I couldn't go to anyone else for answers. I needed to go to Him with questions and wait on Him for answers.
So, I did. The weeks before the IUI, I did a lot of praying. And, a few days before I was to start my shots, I was at a meeting where I met a man who said that the Pope was about to approve a certain form of IUI. What??? The Pope??? Come on, seriously?
Now, I don't know if The Pope ever did approve of it, but I truly thought that was my sign. And, in our discussion, he said that the reason was because it was still up to God. Even if someone else put the sperm in the right place, God still had to bring the egg and sperm together. So, if it wasn't His plan, it wouldn't happen.
So, off we went. We started the shots, and a few days later did the implantation. Laid on an inverted bed for 15-20 minutes, and then off to work for the day. Several days later, I would go in for a ultrasound and, no baby. And, we would try again. And again, no baby. Before we could try a third time, we had some follicle issue so we needed to wait a month. Tries 3 & 4 - unsuccessful!
Now what??? That's when IVF was brought up. I was told that it was highly unlikely that we would ever conceive on our own. And, what I heard was - It was ALL MY FAULT!
Knock, Knock, Knock - what do I do now? Do I go through IVF? I am so thankful that it's an option, but is that my option? Am I ready for that? God, please help me! I need answers, and fast. My husband so wants a family - and - so do I. But, am I ready for this? Are we ready for this? What do we do?
Proverbs 3:5-6 (GNB): Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and He will show you the right way.
After four months of failed attempts with Clomid, my OB recommended seeking support from a fertility specialist because most women would have gotten pregnant within the first few tries. Trying again was an option, but if it didn't work the first four times, it's less likely it would have been successful in future attempts.
I took her advice and met with the fertility specialist. After our first conversation, I was very impressed by him. We talked about our potential options, but he wanted to do some "diagnostics" first (my word, not his). Within a week or so, I was undergoing a HSG (hysterosalpingogram). From what I remember, the purpose of this test was to ensure that my parts were all working correctly. And, I think I tried to forget much of this test because it was a little uncomfortable. Again, in my words and based on my memory, he "shot" dye up through my fallopian tubes to ensure that the sperm & eggs had a clear path to meet. Thankfully, that test came back normal.
The next step was testing my husband - which he was none too excited about! He had to "provide a sample" in a small jar and get it to the office within a certain amount of time for them to be able to check his "sample." They were looking for number, motility, head shape, etc. And, that is where my husband was told that he was SUPERMAN! I guess the test wasn't that bad after all - I mean, come on, who doesn't want to be called SUPERMAN. I'll tell you who doesn't want to hear it - the wife who now knows that it is all her fault!
Based on the HSG and my husband's results, we were supposedly good candidates for the IUI. Knock, Knock, Knock.
Before I was ready to take that step, I decided it was time to talk to our priest. This was the priest who married us, so I had gotten to know him during that process. I really liked him, and was looking for some advice. Was this really what I was supposed to do? What would God think about this? Isn't He supposed to have some say in our "family planning"?
I took this step by myself. I didn't want my husband to know that I was going, because I knew he really wanted to start a family. I felt like a total disappointment. What if I can't get pregnant? What if the priest says I shouldn't do this? What if???
In talking with our priest, he was very comforting and prayed with me. He was grateful that I was being thoughtful through the process, but didn't truly have much advice. This was a discussion I needed to have with God. I'm so thankful for that time with our priest because he helped me to walk on my journey. There wasn't a shortcut. I couldn't go to anyone else for answers. I needed to go to Him with questions and wait on Him for answers.
So, I did. The weeks before the IUI, I did a lot of praying. And, a few days before I was to start my shots, I was at a meeting where I met a man who said that the Pope was about to approve a certain form of IUI. What??? The Pope??? Come on, seriously?
Now, I don't know if The Pope ever did approve of it, but I truly thought that was my sign. And, in our discussion, he said that the reason was because it was still up to God. Even if someone else put the sperm in the right place, God still had to bring the egg and sperm together. So, if it wasn't His plan, it wouldn't happen.
So, off we went. We started the shots, and a few days later did the implantation. Laid on an inverted bed for 15-20 minutes, and then off to work for the day. Several days later, I would go in for a ultrasound and, no baby. And, we would try again. And again, no baby. Before we could try a third time, we had some follicle issue so we needed to wait a month. Tries 3 & 4 - unsuccessful!
Now what??? That's when IVF was brought up. I was told that it was highly unlikely that we would ever conceive on our own. And, what I heard was - It was ALL MY FAULT!
Knock, Knock, Knock - what do I do now? Do I go through IVF? I am so thankful that it's an option, but is that my option? Am I ready for that? God, please help me! I need answers, and fast. My husband so wants a family - and - so do I. But, am I ready for this? Are we ready for this? What do we do?
Proverbs 3:5-6 (GNB): Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know. Remember the Lord in everything you do, and He will show you the right way.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Growing from Two to Three is NOT That Easy!
So, I started my journey in early 2001. By mid 2001, we moved to a new state and started a life on our own. While I was on my walk, again, it was pretty lonely. And, we met many people not on the same journey, so as I stated - I jumped off the road - a lot!
We would soon be engaged and then by mid-2002, we were married. We were both in our mid-20s, so we weren't necessarily thinking about starting a family. I had a great job, and my now-husband was finishing up school. He started his career, and things were good, for a while. We were the DINKs - Double Income, No Kids. And, we often still acted like kids. We weren't ready to grow up yet, so we truly weren't ready to be parents.
In 2004, I was offered a new position, so we ended up moving back to where we both grew up. We were minutes away from our family and our high school friends. That probably seems like a great thing, except, it continued to afford us the opportunity to live like we were still kids. Until we decided that we wanted to start our family.
In 2005, we started "trying" to have kids on our own. I was only 28, so I thought this should be easy. And, while I had started my journey 4 years prior, I was truly only a few steps down the right road. I was still living life very much on my terms, believing that much of what I wanted was up to me, not up to God. So, we didn't pray about it, we didn't really even talk about it much, we just thought it would be an easy thing to do. I mean, really, how hard can it be? Girls get pregnant all the time! That was not our story.
By the end of 2005, we realized we were not going to be able to do this on our own. So, I went to my OB to see what some of the options were. After a few minutes, I was given a medicine that "worked for most people." For the next four months, my husband and I "tried" to get pregnant, but, I guess we weren't "most people."
It's now mid-2006, and I am getting close to my 30th birthday. We had been trying for 1 1/2 years, to no avail. Still not pregnant. My OB tells me that "my eggs aren't as young or happy as they used to be, so I need to be patient - and meet with a specialist." WHAT?!? My eggs aren't young or happy??? I'm only 29. I'm still young. What do you mean by that? And, seek a specialist??? Who do I go see? What do I say? Will I ever get pregnant? Will I ever be a mom?
For the first time on this pregnancy journey, I prayed to God. And, it wasn't a good prayer like, "God, I know you have a plan." It was more along the lines of, "I thought that if I believed in You, You would help me. I thought You were there for me. Where are You? I need You. I'm hearing words I never thought I would hear and You are not here!"
He was there. He was there the whole time. But, I didn't see Him or hear Him because the words I heard weren't the words I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear - You are Pregnant! Not so much.
Like many people, I prayed to God when I wasn't getting what I wanted. He was like Santa Claus. I would send up my prayer list like a child writes a Christmas list. I didn't get the "relationship" part. And, this is how I prayed for the rest of 2006.
I sought out a specialist who told me that I would probably never get pregnant on my own. I lived too stressful of a lifestyle which, biologically, made it difficult for any fertilized egg to make a home in my body. However, my husband was SUPERMAN, so it wasn't him, it was me. THANKS FOR THAT!!! If I wasn't stressed out enough, now I know that I can't give my husband the family he always wanted and it is ALL MY FAULT! How's that to reduce your stress level???
My prayers that afternoon were probably much worse than before. I didn't understand. Didn't I do things the right way? Well, kind of the right way. We loved each other. We got married. We had good jobs that paid the bills. We could afford to have kids. Why? Why do we have to go through this? Why us?
And, after spending the rest of 2006 with the specialist going through failed Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) after failed IUI, I felt my prayers would never be answered! Never!
I boycotted my 30th birthday. Another year without the only gift that I wanted. And, I desperately wanted to be a mom. Looking back now, I probably seemed like a 5 year old that didn't get the gift I wanted. I probably looked like I was throwing an adult sized temper tantrum. And, I was!
But, here's the thing. God was still there. Because when the specialist told me the next step would have to be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), I felt God Knocking again. He was there. He didn't leave me. He was right there with me the whole time. But, maybe not in the way that you would think. Later that week, here is the Bible verse I read:
Genesis 18:13-14 (GNB): Then the Lord asked Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Can I really have a child when I am so old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord? As I said, nine months from now I will return, and Sarah will have a son."
So, I got down on my knees and prayed - Lord, what do I do? I know You, I love You and I truly believe in You. I hear what the doctor has said, but what do You say? Am I laughing like Sarah laughed? Have I even listened to what You have to say, or have I been listening to my heart? Please, lead me Lord. Please, heal my heart. What do I do?
We would soon be engaged and then by mid-2002, we were married. We were both in our mid-20s, so we weren't necessarily thinking about starting a family. I had a great job, and my now-husband was finishing up school. He started his career, and things were good, for a while. We were the DINKs - Double Income, No Kids. And, we often still acted like kids. We weren't ready to grow up yet, so we truly weren't ready to be parents.
In 2004, I was offered a new position, so we ended up moving back to where we both grew up. We were minutes away from our family and our high school friends. That probably seems like a great thing, except, it continued to afford us the opportunity to live like we were still kids. Until we decided that we wanted to start our family.
In 2005, we started "trying" to have kids on our own. I was only 28, so I thought this should be easy. And, while I had started my journey 4 years prior, I was truly only a few steps down the right road. I was still living life very much on my terms, believing that much of what I wanted was up to me, not up to God. So, we didn't pray about it, we didn't really even talk about it much, we just thought it would be an easy thing to do. I mean, really, how hard can it be? Girls get pregnant all the time! That was not our story.
By the end of 2005, we realized we were not going to be able to do this on our own. So, I went to my OB to see what some of the options were. After a few minutes, I was given a medicine that "worked for most people." For the next four months, my husband and I "tried" to get pregnant, but, I guess we weren't "most people."
It's now mid-2006, and I am getting close to my 30th birthday. We had been trying for 1 1/2 years, to no avail. Still not pregnant. My OB tells me that "my eggs aren't as young or happy as they used to be, so I need to be patient - and meet with a specialist." WHAT?!? My eggs aren't young or happy??? I'm only 29. I'm still young. What do you mean by that? And, seek a specialist??? Who do I go see? What do I say? Will I ever get pregnant? Will I ever be a mom?
For the first time on this pregnancy journey, I prayed to God. And, it wasn't a good prayer like, "God, I know you have a plan." It was more along the lines of, "I thought that if I believed in You, You would help me. I thought You were there for me. Where are You? I need You. I'm hearing words I never thought I would hear and You are not here!"
He was there. He was there the whole time. But, I didn't see Him or hear Him because the words I heard weren't the words I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear - You are Pregnant! Not so much.
Like many people, I prayed to God when I wasn't getting what I wanted. He was like Santa Claus. I would send up my prayer list like a child writes a Christmas list. I didn't get the "relationship" part. And, this is how I prayed for the rest of 2006.
I sought out a specialist who told me that I would probably never get pregnant on my own. I lived too stressful of a lifestyle which, biologically, made it difficult for any fertilized egg to make a home in my body. However, my husband was SUPERMAN, so it wasn't him, it was me. THANKS FOR THAT!!! If I wasn't stressed out enough, now I know that I can't give my husband the family he always wanted and it is ALL MY FAULT! How's that to reduce your stress level???
My prayers that afternoon were probably much worse than before. I didn't understand. Didn't I do things the right way? Well, kind of the right way. We loved each other. We got married. We had good jobs that paid the bills. We could afford to have kids. Why? Why do we have to go through this? Why us?
And, after spending the rest of 2006 with the specialist going through failed Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) after failed IUI, I felt my prayers would never be answered! Never!
I boycotted my 30th birthday. Another year without the only gift that I wanted. And, I desperately wanted to be a mom. Looking back now, I probably seemed like a 5 year old that didn't get the gift I wanted. I probably looked like I was throwing an adult sized temper tantrum. And, I was!
But, here's the thing. God was still there. Because when the specialist told me the next step would have to be In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), I felt God Knocking again. He was there. He didn't leave me. He was right there with me the whole time. But, maybe not in the way that you would think. Later that week, here is the Bible verse I read:
Genesis 18:13-14 (GNB): Then the Lord asked Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Can I really have a child when I am so old?' Is anything too hard for the Lord? As I said, nine months from now I will return, and Sarah will have a son."
So, I got down on my knees and prayed - Lord, what do I do? I know You, I love You and I truly believe in You. I hear what the doctor has said, but what do You say? Am I laughing like Sarah laughed? Have I even listened to what You have to say, or have I been listening to my heart? Please, lead me Lord. Please, heal my heart. What do I do?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
My Early Journey - a Pretty Lonely Road...
I took the first step. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior that afternoon, from the floor of the bathroom, and started my journey. But remember, my boyfriend was sitting on the couch in the family room watching TV. He did not make the choice. And, right now, he didn't know I made that choice. I felt so confused and conflicted. I wanted to run out and tell him what I just did, how filled up I felt, how excited I was about living this new life. But, I was scared. What if he doesn't accept me? What if he doesn't want to live this life? What will we do?
So, as many new Christians, I started on my journey alone - as a closet Christian - for lack of a better term. And, outside of my sister, I didn't talk about my faith - at all. And, if you were around me, you wouldn't know my faith. We weren't living a very Christian life. We weren't married - heck, we weren't even engaged at this point. We were spending many weekend hours at bars - drinking, gambling, swearing, etc.
I did talk to my boyfriend about it. He was happy for me, but he didn't understand the difference I felt inside. He was also raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools for most of his K-12 years, went to church every week - sat in the same pew at the front of the church - knew all the families in the church - the priest was a family friend - and so on. To him, I was catching up to speed with him. He was there. He had religion down. He knew all of what to do.
And, he did have religion down. What he didn't understand was I wasn't asking about his religion. He knew how to be a good Catholic in church. He knew all of the prayers. He knew when to stand and sit and kneel. He knew when and how to cross himself, all the right responses, all of the songs. He was an amazing Catholic. That wasn't my question. I was asking about his faith. What did he do outside of church? Why did our lifestyle not match our faith?
Again - this is not Catholic bashing. We are still Catholics and will always be Catholics! This is specifically about us and our journey.
So, after a few early conversations, I kept my journey quiet from him, too. My sister helped me take a few steps down the road. I read the rest of the Left Behind series and fell in love with what I was learning. My sister then introduced me to Karen Kingsbury and several of her series of books. And, I will again forever be thankful for my sister. She knew I was tentative and doing this alone. She didn't send me to the Bible to read it in a year and learn all about how broken and sinful I was (and believe me, I was!!). She let me take a step. One step. One small little step. And encouraged me as I took it. And, when I fell off the path, she didn't scold me or belittle me, she just encouraged me to get back up and get back on my path, my journey, my relationship. So, I did.
For many years, I took this walk, with only my sister's encouragement. I read and listened and learned. I didn't share my journey with many people, even my boyfriend whom I knew I would marry. I wouldn't recommend walking this way, but I know so many people do. Because, when you start on this journey, you start to see all the things you are doing that God really doesn't want us to do for very specific reasons.
Here are three of my favorite Bible versus that I pray on quite often.
Matthew 7:13-14 (Good News Bible): "Go in through the narrow gate, because the gate to hell is wide and the road that leads to it is easy, and there are many who travel it. But the gate to life is narrow and the way that leads to it is hard, and there are few people who find it."
Romans 12:2 (GNB): "Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God - what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."
And, why - why does God want us to walk through this narrow, less travel gate and not be conformed to this world - Let's go back to the old testament:
Jeremiah 29:11 (GNB): "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for."
I found it, and it was narrow, and it was hard, and it was lonely, and I fell off - sometimes jumped off - because it was so hard. What's amazing about our God is that, when I came back, when I put my foot back on the road and continued my journey, I could almost feel the smile on His face. It felt like He wrapped His arms around me like the father of the prodigal son and said "For this son of mine was dead, but now he is alive; he was lost, but now he has been found" (Luke 15:24, GNB).
So, as many new Christians, I started on my journey alone - as a closet Christian - for lack of a better term. And, outside of my sister, I didn't talk about my faith - at all. And, if you were around me, you wouldn't know my faith. We weren't living a very Christian life. We weren't married - heck, we weren't even engaged at this point. We were spending many weekend hours at bars - drinking, gambling, swearing, etc.
I did talk to my boyfriend about it. He was happy for me, but he didn't understand the difference I felt inside. He was also raised Catholic, went to Catholic schools for most of his K-12 years, went to church every week - sat in the same pew at the front of the church - knew all the families in the church - the priest was a family friend - and so on. To him, I was catching up to speed with him. He was there. He had religion down. He knew all of what to do.
And, he did have religion down. What he didn't understand was I wasn't asking about his religion. He knew how to be a good Catholic in church. He knew all of the prayers. He knew when to stand and sit and kneel. He knew when and how to cross himself, all the right responses, all of the songs. He was an amazing Catholic. That wasn't my question. I was asking about his faith. What did he do outside of church? Why did our lifestyle not match our faith?
Again - this is not Catholic bashing. We are still Catholics and will always be Catholics! This is specifically about us and our journey.
So, after a few early conversations, I kept my journey quiet from him, too. My sister helped me take a few steps down the road. I read the rest of the Left Behind series and fell in love with what I was learning. My sister then introduced me to Karen Kingsbury and several of her series of books. And, I will again forever be thankful for my sister. She knew I was tentative and doing this alone. She didn't send me to the Bible to read it in a year and learn all about how broken and sinful I was (and believe me, I was!!). She let me take a step. One step. One small little step. And encouraged me as I took it. And, when I fell off the path, she didn't scold me or belittle me, she just encouraged me to get back up and get back on my path, my journey, my relationship. So, I did.
For many years, I took this walk, with only my sister's encouragement. I read and listened and learned. I didn't share my journey with many people, even my boyfriend whom I knew I would marry. I wouldn't recommend walking this way, but I know so many people do. Because, when you start on this journey, you start to see all the things you are doing that God really doesn't want us to do for very specific reasons.
Here are three of my favorite Bible versus that I pray on quite often.
Matthew 7:13-14 (Good News Bible): "Go in through the narrow gate, because the gate to hell is wide and the road that leads to it is easy, and there are many who travel it. But the gate to life is narrow and the way that leads to it is hard, and there are few people who find it."
Romans 12:2 (GNB): "Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God - what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."
And, why - why does God want us to walk through this narrow, less travel gate and not be conformed to this world - Let's go back to the old testament:
Jeremiah 29:11 (GNB): "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for."
I found it, and it was narrow, and it was hard, and it was lonely, and I fell off - sometimes jumped off - because it was so hard. What's amazing about our God is that, when I came back, when I put my foot back on the road and continued my journey, I could almost feel the smile on His face. It felt like He wrapped His arms around me like the father of the prodigal son and said "For this son of mine was dead, but now he is alive; he was lost, but now he has been found" (Luke 15:24, GNB).
Friday, June 14, 2013
God Knocking...
My last year of high school, my oldest sister got married. I was so happy for her, and I truly loved my new brother-in-law. However, much to my amazement, I cried through her entire wedding service and through about half of the reception. For years, and I mean years, I could not figure out why. Seriously, I loved both of them, and I was (and still am) so happy for them. Why could I not stop crying???
So, that was 1993. Last year, 2012, I think I finally figured it out. Yes, that's 19 years, but who's counting... I was in church. Just like when I went to Greek church with my girlfriend, I was in the presence of God. And, I know, I am always in the presence of God, but that is where I felt Him the most. He was calling me. He wanted me to welcome Him into my life. He was disappointed with my decisions, but He wasn't disappointed in me. I was His creation.
But, I wasn't ready. Partly, because I didn't realize it. Not for 19 years did I realize it. I was so caught up in the world that I didn't realize He was there, speaking to me, and I while I heard Him, I didn't listen. I didn't comprehend. I didn't know.
So, I went onto college. Still very full of the world, I made very unfortunate decisions - although, at the time, I thought they were pretty good decisions. Only by the grace of God did I do well in college. And, I mean really well in college. I went to a few Campus Crusade for Christ meetings, but I didn't feel like I fit in. I was the "cool" girl. Cool girls don't find cool guys at CC4C meetings. And, cool girls don't go to CC4C meetings. So, I stopped going.
Really, I feel like I didn't fit in because the people that were there had a relationship with Christ. They would speak about Him like He was right there. He was in the room. He was real and alive and loving and personal. I wasn't taught that. I was raised Catholic. We said prayers a certain way, we crossed ourselves a certain way, there were proper ways to do things. Now, if you are Catholic, please don't be offended. This was the way I was raised Catholic, not the way all Catholics were raised. I didn't have a personal relationship with Christ. Heck, at the time, if you would have asked me if I was a Christian, I would have said, "No, I'm a Catholic." And, I would have meant it. I didn't get it. I didn't know.
But God knew. And, He was still there. Remember my sister getting married to this great guy back in 1993. Well, that great guy was also a Christian. He was raised in a Christian household and had a personal relationship with Christ. And, while I felt he was different, I was always intrigued by what made him different. And, he helped my sister come to Christ. Which was AWESOME because without him helping her come to Christ, I don't know that I would have either.
So, let's fast forward a few years. It was 2001. My sister had been a Christian for a few years. And, some of you might be able to relate - I probably wasn't the nicest to her for a while. See, I wanted to be cool and do things that the world said was ok. But, she knew that God didn't think these things were ok. So, when we talked, I would feel like she was putting me down. And, truthfully, she wasn't. It was just that she was living rightly and I was living, well, wrongly. So, by just being her, I felt I was "less than" even though she never said anything like that.
So, in 2001, my then-boyfried, now-husband, and I decided to move in together. My sister had given me the Left Behind series to read. I got through the first book and felt it again. It was God knocking. But, this time, I got it. Hallelujah!! I got it.
Funny thing when you get it, you never know where you will be. Well, let me tell you where I was. I was in my bathroom, with home hair color in my hair, crying on the phone to my sister asking her how I could have fallen so far. How can He still want me?? I'm a total screw-up. I've made such bad choices. Heck, my boyfriend is living here, and I don't even know where this is going...
She said the best thing she could have said. Jenn, He loves you because He made you. He knew you before anyone else. And, He will still love you even if you get off the floor, dry your tears and rinse that hair color out of your hair before your hair falls out.
Thank you for that humor because I needed that! I could have sat on that floor crying for hours and remembering all the terrible choices I had made. But I didn't, because I had my sister to help me through it. For that, I will forever be thankful!
I've felt God knocking several other times in my life, but now, I usually get it. I'm sure I miss Him sometimes, but I hope it is much less often.
So, that was 1993. Last year, 2012, I think I finally figured it out. Yes, that's 19 years, but who's counting... I was in church. Just like when I went to Greek church with my girlfriend, I was in the presence of God. And, I know, I am always in the presence of God, but that is where I felt Him the most. He was calling me. He wanted me to welcome Him into my life. He was disappointed with my decisions, but He wasn't disappointed in me. I was His creation.
But, I wasn't ready. Partly, because I didn't realize it. Not for 19 years did I realize it. I was so caught up in the world that I didn't realize He was there, speaking to me, and I while I heard Him, I didn't listen. I didn't comprehend. I didn't know.
So, I went onto college. Still very full of the world, I made very unfortunate decisions - although, at the time, I thought they were pretty good decisions. Only by the grace of God did I do well in college. And, I mean really well in college. I went to a few Campus Crusade for Christ meetings, but I didn't feel like I fit in. I was the "cool" girl. Cool girls don't find cool guys at CC4C meetings. And, cool girls don't go to CC4C meetings. So, I stopped going.
Really, I feel like I didn't fit in because the people that were there had a relationship with Christ. They would speak about Him like He was right there. He was in the room. He was real and alive and loving and personal. I wasn't taught that. I was raised Catholic. We said prayers a certain way, we crossed ourselves a certain way, there were proper ways to do things. Now, if you are Catholic, please don't be offended. This was the way I was raised Catholic, not the way all Catholics were raised. I didn't have a personal relationship with Christ. Heck, at the time, if you would have asked me if I was a Christian, I would have said, "No, I'm a Catholic." And, I would have meant it. I didn't get it. I didn't know.
But God knew. And, He was still there. Remember my sister getting married to this great guy back in 1993. Well, that great guy was also a Christian. He was raised in a Christian household and had a personal relationship with Christ. And, while I felt he was different, I was always intrigued by what made him different. And, he helped my sister come to Christ. Which was AWESOME because without him helping her come to Christ, I don't know that I would have either.
So, let's fast forward a few years. It was 2001. My sister had been a Christian for a few years. And, some of you might be able to relate - I probably wasn't the nicest to her for a while. See, I wanted to be cool and do things that the world said was ok. But, she knew that God didn't think these things were ok. So, when we talked, I would feel like she was putting me down. And, truthfully, she wasn't. It was just that she was living rightly and I was living, well, wrongly. So, by just being her, I felt I was "less than" even though she never said anything like that.
So, in 2001, my then-boyfried, now-husband, and I decided to move in together. My sister had given me the Left Behind series to read. I got through the first book and felt it again. It was God knocking. But, this time, I got it. Hallelujah!! I got it.
Funny thing when you get it, you never know where you will be. Well, let me tell you where I was. I was in my bathroom, with home hair color in my hair, crying on the phone to my sister asking her how I could have fallen so far. How can He still want me?? I'm a total screw-up. I've made such bad choices. Heck, my boyfriend is living here, and I don't even know where this is going...
She said the best thing she could have said. Jenn, He loves you because He made you. He knew you before anyone else. And, He will still love you even if you get off the floor, dry your tears and rinse that hair color out of your hair before your hair falls out.
Thank you for that humor because I needed that! I could have sat on that floor crying for hours and remembering all the terrible choices I had made. But I didn't, because I had my sister to help me through it. For that, I will forever be thankful!
I've felt God knocking several other times in my life, but now, I usually get it. I'm sure I miss Him sometimes, but I hope it is much less often.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
My Beginnings
Where to start...
Well, let's start with a little bit of background on me. I was born into a catholic family, going to church most Sundays and attending CCD as I got older. Outside of those 1-2 days per week, we didn't talk about God much. We didn't pray before meals or at bedtime. We didn't read the Bible. We didn't talk about Bible stories. And, we didn't lead a very Christian lifestyle - at least not how I remember it.
Just before my 9th birthday, my parents bought a business, and we pretty much stopped going to church. They were always busy with the new business, so my sisters spent most of the time with me. Please understand, I love my parents and I am so very thankful for all they did to raise me, keep a roof over my head, food on the table, and designer clothes on my back (and I did get more than my share of designer clothes as a kid). They did their best.
See, my parents were married right after high school and started their family very soon after that. And, after my first sister was born, it wasn't four months before my parents found out they were expecting again. Who knew about birth control in the late 60's??? While they were very excited, it was quite overwhelming to two kids just barely 19 years old. And, when my mom was just past 30 weeks pregnant, she went to the hospital and was admitted for what they thought was a miscarriage. By only the grace of God, my mom did not miscarry, but did deliver a 3lb, 3oz baby girl that needed a great deal of help. That's a lot to handle for two nearly 20 year olds with an almost 1 year old needing attention. I truly don't know how they got through those years.
Neither of my parents went to college - as you see - they were busy raising a family and trying to stay afloat. The both worked two jobs to make ends meet. They did all that they knew to do to raise my sisters. And, nearly 7 years later, my mom went to the doctor for the flu - and found out she was expecting me! Surprise!
I had the benefit of being the third child born, the baby of the family! Plus, my sisters were both 7-8 years older than me, so they were a great deal of help to my parents. We lived modestly, but we really did have everything we needed. And, as I got older, I had a lot of what I wanted, too. Especially after they bought their business. It was a trade-off. I didn't get to see them much, but they were able to help put all three of us through college and give us more than what they would have been able to otherwise.
As you can imagine, with as busy as they were, we didn't go to church much. We continued to go to Easter & Christmas mass, but that ended after a while, too. Then, when I turned 12, we moved to a new town and never even joined a new church. My sisters were off to college and my parents were extremely busy working this still fairly new business.
So, I went to church every now and then with friends. I used to love to go to Greek Church with my girlfriend, especially because her mom would play the piano during mass - it was amazing! I remember looking up at the beautiful carvings, stained glass, sculptures, and just feel God's presence. I was spend most of the time with tears in my eyes, not truly knowing why, just knowing I didn't want the mass to end. After church, I would feel filled up...for a while.
See, I was in high school now. I was alone a lot. And, while I had friends, I was pretty lonely. And, I was making pretty bad decisions. I was broken before I knew what broken was. I had a hole in my heart and in my life, so I tried to fill it with whatever I could find. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was there...
Well, let's start with a little bit of background on me. I was born into a catholic family, going to church most Sundays and attending CCD as I got older. Outside of those 1-2 days per week, we didn't talk about God much. We didn't pray before meals or at bedtime. We didn't read the Bible. We didn't talk about Bible stories. And, we didn't lead a very Christian lifestyle - at least not how I remember it.
Just before my 9th birthday, my parents bought a business, and we pretty much stopped going to church. They were always busy with the new business, so my sisters spent most of the time with me. Please understand, I love my parents and I am so very thankful for all they did to raise me, keep a roof over my head, food on the table, and designer clothes on my back (and I did get more than my share of designer clothes as a kid). They did their best.
See, my parents were married right after high school and started their family very soon after that. And, after my first sister was born, it wasn't four months before my parents found out they were expecting again. Who knew about birth control in the late 60's??? While they were very excited, it was quite overwhelming to two kids just barely 19 years old. And, when my mom was just past 30 weeks pregnant, she went to the hospital and was admitted for what they thought was a miscarriage. By only the grace of God, my mom did not miscarry, but did deliver a 3lb, 3oz baby girl that needed a great deal of help. That's a lot to handle for two nearly 20 year olds with an almost 1 year old needing attention. I truly don't know how they got through those years.
Neither of my parents went to college - as you see - they were busy raising a family and trying to stay afloat. The both worked two jobs to make ends meet. They did all that they knew to do to raise my sisters. And, nearly 7 years later, my mom went to the doctor for the flu - and found out she was expecting me! Surprise!
I had the benefit of being the third child born, the baby of the family! Plus, my sisters were both 7-8 years older than me, so they were a great deal of help to my parents. We lived modestly, but we really did have everything we needed. And, as I got older, I had a lot of what I wanted, too. Especially after they bought their business. It was a trade-off. I didn't get to see them much, but they were able to help put all three of us through college and give us more than what they would have been able to otherwise.
As you can imagine, with as busy as they were, we didn't go to church much. We continued to go to Easter & Christmas mass, but that ended after a while, too. Then, when I turned 12, we moved to a new town and never even joined a new church. My sisters were off to college and my parents were extremely busy working this still fairly new business.
So, I went to church every now and then with friends. I used to love to go to Greek Church with my girlfriend, especially because her mom would play the piano during mass - it was amazing! I remember looking up at the beautiful carvings, stained glass, sculptures, and just feel God's presence. I was spend most of the time with tears in my eyes, not truly knowing why, just knowing I didn't want the mass to end. After church, I would feel filled up...for a while.
See, I was in high school now. I was alone a lot. And, while I had friends, I was pretty lonely. And, I was making pretty bad decisions. I was broken before I knew what broken was. I had a hole in my heart and in my life, so I tried to fill it with whatever I could find. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it was there...
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