It's mid-January 2007, and I was off the roller coaster. If you have gone through infertility, you know what I am talking about. It's all about dates, ordering shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, pills, "Not Pregnant" tests. Sadness... Starting again... When do I make my next appointment? When will the roller coaster start again? More importantly, when will it stop? When will I not see the "Not"?
So, I got off. I had my procedure, we had our talk, I blew up, and then...quiet.
I had a girlfriend who was married just before we were. Literally, about three months before us. This was the year of our 5 year anniversary. This isn't what we thought we would be doing 5 years later...
She and I started going to Yoga classes. Well, if we weren't going to get pregnant, the least we could do was look good, right???
See, if you never have gone through infertility, you probably don't know what we go through. We stop everything like we are pregnant - no alcohol, no caffeine, no bars (because we don't even want to be around smoke), reduce stress, reduce high-impact sports, etc. You act like your pregnant, even though you aren't. Which, is part of the difficulty when you find out you aren't pregnant...you feel like you did all of that for nothing.
So, in January, 2007, I gave all of that up. I started drinking coffee and diet soda again. We would go out with friends, even to bars. That was okay. We were over 21. And, even though we didn't smoke cigarettes, I didn't object to being around those who did.
I truly felt like, if this was God's plan, I needed to give it to Him. I had heard of "Let God, Let Go," but I didn't quite understand it. This time, I truly tried to let go.
So, like I said, we started Yoga. We tried various classes - some easier than others. I had started to go about 3 times per week. And, what I learned there was truly letting go. At first, I was concerned that I was a Christian, and I thought that Yoga was part of a very different religion with different beliefs. What I loved about the studio that we joined was that it was very open to all beliefs. Which, is probably part of most / all Yoga studios, but I can't comment on all. What our studio used as a definition to Namaste was "the light in me acknowledges the light in you."
I took that as "the [Holy] Spirit in me acknowledges the [Holy] Spirit in you." So, I still took many of the moments to be Christian moments. Because, there, is where i truly felt the first moments of my first true connections with God. We had these moments where we would lay in corpse pose (savasana) and just be. The instructor would lead us through breathing techniques where we were to totally let go.
Let me just say this...for a woman who felt like all of my life was in my control, this was anything but easy. I fought against it for many weeks. Until, I got tired of fighting. I was tired of pushing. So, I let go. I gave it to God and let go.
Amazing things started to happen. One, I forgot about what week it was in my cycle. Two, I started to truly love myself, which also helped me love my husband more, too. And, I was able to truly appreciate all that surrounded me. I was less focused on me, and more on everyone and everything else.
I can't say that everyone will have my same experience with Yoga, but I will say this. If you are willing to let go...truly let go...you might find a peace that you have never experienced before. I will say that not only did I find that peace, but I started to lose weight, feel more comfortable in my body, and more comfortable in my being. I loved myself more which allowed me to be more open to love others more.
I remember my last yoga class with my girlfriend. It was a Saturday at the end of April, 2007. We finished a very aerobic Yoga class (ashtanga), and I was a little more tired than usual. We were talking about possibly going out that night with our husbands. I said that I wasn't feeling great, but it was before noon, so hopefully I would feel better by the evening.
I clearly remember us leaning against our cars and saying..."I think I need to buy a pregnancy test" and we both about fell over laughing. After 26 months of "Not Pregnant" test results, what else were we to do. It was almost like Sarah listening to God talk to Abraham announcing that she would bear a child. What? At her old age? That was impossible...
And just as impossible was the thought that we could be pregnant... Hadn't God proven that we weren't to be parents. Wasn't 26 tests of "Not Pregnant" enough. Didn't I know better.
So, we laughed. But, I was still hopeful. Even after 26 "No's" I was still hopeful. So, I went to the pharmacy, bought a box of three tests and went home. God gave Abraham and Sarah a child when they were both in their 90's. God can move mountains. God can do anything...
I remember, like it was yesterday, sitting in the bathroom, saying this to God...
"God, if it is your will, please let us be pregnant. Please bless us with the son or daughter of Your plans. If not, please let my heart be still. I believe in You; I believe in Your plans. Your will be done, Lord. And, if this is not Your will or Your plan, again, please let my heart be still. Please give me the peace beyond understanding I have read about. I need that peace. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."
I remember that prayer, because I prayed that same prayer 26 times before. And, each of those 26 times, I saw "Not Pregnant."
So, I took the test, and sat there...alone...in our bathroom...for the 27th time...expecting to see "Not Pregnant." But, this time, for some reason, I was more at peace.
I had found myself over the past three months. My husband and I were closer than ever. I was getting healthier physically, mentally and emotionally. Our marriage had never been stronger. So, whatever the result, I would be ready. I believed I was ready to see the "Not Pregnant" result again...for the 27th time...and still not give up. I knew God was with us. I knew He believed in us and we believed in Him. It was His plan. And, His plan was so much better than either of us could ever imagine.
So, I sat...and I waited...the longest three minutes that any woman hoping to be pregnant waits...each month...over and over again...the three minutes each month we all dread.
But, this time, I wasn't dreading the result. I was hopeful, but realistic. God has given me an amazing husband, a wonderful marriage, and a lot of personal reasons to be proud. If children aren't in His cards for us, I need to be okay with that. He still loves us. He still has plans for us, and for me. So, whatever the result, Lord, I'm with You on this. Even for the 27th "not".
And then...quiet...
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